kindness Archives - Page 2 of 4

In Identity, Nurture, Personal Growth, Relationships

Messages of Love to Ourselves

Julianne HarveySeptember 26, 2017

Last week I went to a laser clinic for information on removing a raised red bump on my scalp under my hair. It’s been growing there for some time, since Ava was a baby, and I checked it with my doctor a few years ago and he said not to worry about it.

Lately it’s been itchy around the area and I’m weary of warning those cutting my hair about avoiding it. So I went to a laser clinic.

Apparently, what I have is called a “ruby point”. I’ve left this one so long that it will be expensive to remove, taking several appointments instead of just one. The technician pointed out several small rubies developing along my hairline and on my neck and chest.

I went home from the consultation utterly dejected. I hate spending money in general, but certainly dropping hundreds of dollars on cosmetic surgery offends my thrifty ways. It wasn’t until late in the afternoon that I identified what my internal monologue was whispering to me after this appointment.

That persistent voice went something like this: Julianne, you are such an idiot. How could you let this thing grow on your head for over a decade without doing something about it? Anyone with sense would’ve known better. And what the hell is wrong with you that more of these ruby point things are growing all over you?

The voice was relentless, mean and forceful. I felt overwhelmed by a sense of shame and guilt. What was wrong with me? It was only when I finally sat down with my journal and tried to sort out why I was hurting that I could see how devastating this line of thought was. It’s not my fault I’m prone to these ruby points. And I did check the one on my head with a doctor who wasn’t concerned about it. Now it’s becoming an issue for me so I’m getting it removed.

Recognizing my unconscious nasty messaging to myself was so helpful, for it meant I could choose to mute those cruel words. I did not have to surrender my joy and peace to that angry noise. I am worth this money I must spend to take care of my health. I am not a burden to my family, like I initially feared. (Talking about this with Jason over dinner was so reassuring. He is usually kinder to me than I am to myself. He said, “Go for it, don’t worry about what it costs. You need to get this done.”)

I am loved and valued and it’s okay to prioritize my skincare. I made the appointment for this afternoon to laser off the big ruby point and after that I can make a plan to deal with the smaller ones.

It’s important to stop and look at what our subconscious is actually saying to us. Much of what we hear can be traced back to faulty messaging from our childhood or other critical points in our past, but the wonderful news is that we do not have to listen to that vitriol any longer. We can love ourselves through any hardship.

I’m grateful that this health issue is not a serious one. It’s pricey, but others are facing much scarier and more uncertain problems. I will hold that gratitude close, and work on making sure the messages I give myself are ones of love instead of scorn or derision.

How about you? What does your self-talk sound like?

In Nurture, Personal Growth, Relationships

Essential Ingredients for a Thriving Marriage

Julianne HarveyApril 18, 2017

Anyone can be married, but to build a thriving, healthy, considerate give-and-take relationship takes constant effort and is a rare commodity in this world.

I’m immensely grateful for the marriage Jason and I have created over the last nineteen years. He is celebrating his 40th birthday this week and it felt like a good time to reflect on the ingredients that have made our marriage successful and satisfying.

Since my kids were little, I’ve hammered home the personality traits they should prioritize above all else when it comes time for them to decide on a marriage partner. The two essential qualities I’ve urged them to seek are kindness and a sense of humour.

Without a doubt, these two ingredients have been huge factors in the overall quality of our marriage. We both make each other laugh, every single day or pretty damn close, and a good laugh can help you get through the petty grievances of life. When you are truly relaxed with another person, accepted for your true self, it becomes easier to crack them up or to giggle yourself over stupid little things that might not be funny to anyone else.

Like humour, kindness greases the gears of the mundane to make every interaction more pleasant and enjoyable. It’s a worthwhile goal to treat your spouse with as much courtesy as possible, even if you might be irritated by them, for this politeness goes a long way in softening the atmosphere around you.

When Jason and I choose to be kind to each other above all else, intentionally curbing biting sarcasm or rude insults, we literally change the air around us and create a happy living environment daily for us and for our kids (not to mention friends and extended family and even strangers).

The other secret to our marriage is a willingness to grow and change. We offer each other permission to become the truest, most authentic versions of ourselves. When we are peacefully existing without disguises (or at least inching closer to this desire every day), bravely allowing our most vulnerable selves to be seen, we tend to evolve in a similar direction together.

We are still individuals, growing and changing separately, but our shared goals are more easily aligned and we are like unique flowers bending toward the same sun.

Being married to Jason has been the best experience of my life, without question. Saying yes when he asked me to marry him was the single decision that radically improved the course and trajectory of my life. I’m so proud of the quality of our family that we’ve built as a team. We are not simply existing in the same house together, but rather crafting a life with intentionality, purpose, forgiveness, laughter, kindness and loving care.

Happy 40th, my love. Here’s to a future that only burns brighter.

In Culture, Identity, Nurture, Personal Growth, Speaking, Writing

Managing Expectations

Julianne HarveyApril 11, 2017April 10, 2017

Managing expectations is a tricky area for me. It’s not my strongest suit, but I’m going to launch in as bravely as I can and see what I might have to say on this topic that can hang so many of us up.

It’s a beautiful idea to release your expectations and just accept what is. I’m sure that this method provides more happiness than the angsty hand-wringing that I’m fond of doing, but getting from stress to surrender is the hard part.

Like many of us, I know what I want in life, or at least I think what I want will bring me satisfaction, contentment, money, happiness, etc. I hate getting caught up in the spider web that is our culture’s inane idea of what success is supposed to look like, and yet it happens again and again to me.

I got a bad review recently from one of the sessions I presented at a teacher’s convention. The material I offered was not at all what this teacher was looking for. It threw me for a loop, because I heard a lot of positive feedback right after the session. It’s one thing to know in theory that you are not everyone’s cup of tea, and another thing to read it so bluntly in black letters on a white screen.

I’m querying a manuscript again and getting plenty of rejection. With each fresh “no thanks, your writing is not for me” my heart sinks and it’s only natural to wonder what the hell I’m doing with my life. But then a bit of time passes and I remind myself that it just takes one person to connect with my work. Not everyone is going to like it and that is totally fine.

But it’s hard. There’s no way for it not to be. The key is not to wrap my self-esteem up in the product I’m putting out in the world (writing, speaking, etc.) and keep the expectations reasonable. It’s going to be a long road, with plenty of bumps and detours and setbacks. Not quitting is what matters.

I think the best thing to do is to stay busy with other projects. You want fresh ideas flowing so you don’t fixate on what might be stagnating in one area of your work or life. Just keep going, and try not to obsess over why nothing seems to be going your way. One day you’ll step up to bat and the ball will connect with that satisfying thwack. You can’t predict when it will be and you’ll probably have to strike out a lot to get to that one thrilling hit.

Our expectations tie us up in all kinds of unpleasant knots. I’m determined to push on, in spite of the many roadblocks in front of me. So much of this life is subjective. One person loves what you’re doing and the next person despises or ignores it. It’s important not to take it personally. I have to believe that what I’m doing has value. It also helps to be reminded that a little bit of kindness goes a long way.

In Nurture, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationships

What True Love Looks Like

Julianne HarveyFebruary 15, 2017

Okay, it’s Valentine’s Day, and I admit that I’m feeling a little gooey and squishy about those I love today. Like many people in middle age, I’ve seen all kinds of love and I think I finally have a handle on what makes love true instead of false.

Real love doesn’t manipulate, force, cajole, beg or bully. It is kind at its heart and forgiving when things go wrong (which is often). True love is rare in this world, because it is freely given and freely received, with no strings attached. Most love doesn’t work like this. It’s transactional in nature, but that’s an exchange, not a gift.

I’ve been married to Jason now for almost nineteen years. I’d happily do it all over again, even with every up and down we’ve faced. We are both completely different people now than when we met, but at our core, the love and generosity we have shown to one another has grown instead of faded.

When you add in two kids, our love life has a different shape and texture to it now, but it doesn’t feel diminished. We’ve added children and cats into our family’s recipe and our day-to-day experience is sweeter as a result. But that doesn’t mean it’s been easy. Nothing worthwhile and lasting is ever simple and straightforward. We fight for what we want most and that makes the reward of what we have built even better.

Here’s my short Valentine’s list of what true love looks like for me:

Kindness

First and foremost, kindness is key. Jason and I both work at treating each other with basic dignity, respect and courtesy. Some days this is hard, but it’s always worth it. One day a few years ago, I realized with a shock that I was often kinder to the barista at Starbucks or a stranger in a store than I was to the man I pledged to spend my life with. So I try to keep this quality front and centre in my home interactions.

Laughter

Life without laughing is not much fun. Happily, Jason and I like to make each other laugh and it’s a successful ingredient in our marriage. It’s not an exaggeration to say that we laugh, quite wildly, at least once a day and usually more. We aim to crack each other up as often as possible and this quality is like oil to grease the wheels of our relationship and keep it moving smoothly forward.

Generosity

For me, this means putting others’ needs ahead of my own from time to time. I don’t always do this, nor do I think it’s necessarily healthy to do this exclusively. As Anne Lamott says, “Now I take my turn and it’s a radical act.” But we live in a selfish world, so every single time I choose those I love over myself it’s a way to demonstrate my love through action, which means so much more than just words.

Commitment

One of the most precious aspects of a long-term marriage is that your commitment is demonstrated on a daily basis. It doesn’t matter how many years you are together if they are mostly drudgery, but if they are peaceful, comfortable and safe, it’s at least partly because you are both committed to each other. This means I choose Jason over every other man on earth and he chooses me over every other woman. Not once, but every single day we are alive.

Forgiveness

We’d never make it if we didn’t forgive each other. Jason and I have both committed to say, “I’m sorry” on a regular basis when we’ve behaved badly. We model this for our kids and it’s often challenging and wounding to our pride, but the vulnerability we demonstrate thaws the air between us and keeps our relationship warm and stable. We promised in our vows “to forgive and be forgiven” as both are equally difficult and we get a lot of practice in this area.

Space

Space to grow and be who we really are, without conforming to any mold or expected form, is one of the biggest gifts we give to each other. True love is always free. It doesn’t demand or hold grudges or resentments. It recognizes that room and air and light is required for growth and that healthy people continue to change and evolve as long as they are alive. Jason and I give this space willingly to each other and it’s one of my absolute favourite things about us as a couple.

In Identity, Nurture, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationships

Broken, Cracked Souls

Julianne HarveyNovember 22, 2016Leave a comment

Once upon a time there was a girl who wanted to be loved. She longed to fill every broken and cracked room in her soul with affection, warmth and care.

She felt empty. Damaged. Alone in a large and intimidating world. When this girl looked to the adults who were supposed to be in charge, she didn’t feel safe. They were drinking, fighting, manipulating, lying, hiding and punishing with bitter silences.

The girl ached for truth. She wanted to know what was right and wrong by watching it in action, not hearing about it in words, for the actions did not match the fancy, dressed-up lingo.

Over time, this girl learned to deny her own desires for love, honesty and kindness. She made her reality fit with her yearnings, even when the two things were oceans apart. She compromised, crammed, altered and minimized. In this way she could survive her own sensitivities to pain, darkness, fear and secrets.

Then the girl grew into an adult. By now her denial was as natural as the breaths she took, without once pausing to consider the function that her breath and denial played. She went to school, she worked, she fell in love, she got married, she had kids, she joined the PTA. The girl was now a woman, sleepwalking through her days and nights, frozen in her buried feelings, lying the same way her parents taught her to.

When the girl was 37 years old she finally woke up. The agony of feeling those emotions was excruciating, but at least now she could tell she was alive. She learned that minimizing your feelings leads to rage on a slow boil, so fucking toxic that it will eventually consume you if you don’t face it head on and call it by its proper name.

The girl found people who taught her how to love and how to be loved. It was foreign and exhilarating and awful. It was vulnerable, the only place she ever experienced actual freedom and truth. It took every ounce of bravery and trust she could summon. Every single day she had to find the strength to do it all again, but it was better than the frigid numbness of the first half of her sleeping life.

Now the girl could show her children a new path: one that embraced the entire feeling spectrum. This was big and expansive and wide by comparison. She could lean in and love with her whole heart. She could practice relying on others, not the ones who had routinely let her down, but a fresh set of people who proved worthy by their actions instead of their meaningless promises. Now the girl could breathe.

She could create for herself what her family of origin could not give her, either in her childhood or now. The cracks in her soul would heal but never disappear. They were reminders of what she had overcome, hopeful markers for those in desperate need of light and redemption. The girl had a dream to bring these broken and cracked souls together, to one place of nurture and belonging, so they could love one another back to life and know they weren’t alone any longer.