In Identity, Nurture, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationships, Writing

Open

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on

One of my 3 words for 2017 is OPEN. In the last couple of months, I’m living out this word and I’m head-over-heels in love with the results.

Being open means saying yes to what I really want, even when it scares me. It’s choosing to ignore that nasty little voice that whispers, “Are you kidding? You’ll never be able to do that. You aren’t qualified enough, smart enough, thin enough, confident enough, brave enough.”

I’m coming to understand that the people I admire who accomplish amazing things all struggle with these crises of self-doubt before they take action. But they move forward anyway. I’m 44 years old. If I’m lucky, I’m at the halfway point of my life and I’m done with sitting back, playing safe and regretting the missed chances I’m too timid to take.

Now I’m saying yes to the things I most want to accomplish and no to almost everything that doesn’t move me toward those big goals. This means being intentional about my time and choosing not to worry if someone is offended when I’ve said no.

Crystallizing my priorities has helped me to be happier and allowed me to stay open to the truly good people and experiences in my life. I was blocked from enjoying them before because the longing for what I DIDN’T have was just too strong.

Now I’ve reversed this. I’m clearer about what I need to do on any given day to move my priority projects forward. Everything else I can let go of. Every one of us can only do so much with our days and our resources. I’ve decided to be content with the choices I make and tell myself that what I’m accomplishing really is good enough.

Since my appendix rupture last summer and our subsequent move to another province, I know who really matters to me and who doesn’t. And I choose to spend my time with those who enrich my life and make me laugh. I encourage them and they reciprocate that joy and gratitude back to me.

It’s so lovely to actually enjoy my life and my decisions. The word open is beautiful because it’s expansive, inclusive, generous and caring. It doesn’t close itself off, the way I used to as a defence mechanism.

As always, this kind of inside work is never finished. It lurches along – messy, uneven, unpredictable and ripe with vulnerability. Sometimes I fall flat on my face. I get unreasonably pissed off by small things and the zen outlook I’m trying to cultivate flies out the window. But other times, the openness is like a window left open in my soul, where the cool breeze enters and leaves the whole place refreshed and renewed.

In Culture, Identity, Movies/TV

Why Wonder Woman is so Important

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on

Wonder Woman is critically important for female leadership roles in Hollywood, but that’s not what this post is about. Yes, it makes me furious that Wonder Woman HAD to be a blow-out success to ensure that a woman director could be handed the reins to a 150 million dollar budget in the future. Male directors get that opportunity on a Tuesday, but for a woman it’s a historic moment.

And she NAILS it. Patty Jenkins has made a terrific film that beat Iron Man, Thor and Captain America (among other male-centred movies) for opening weekend box office. All of this matters. Wonder Woman’s success is beautiful and inspiring for a lot of reasons, but it also signifies that a big shift in storytelling and leadership is not only possible but probable. That fact alone makes me stand up and cheer.

What’s remarkable about Wonder Woman, apart from the lighting, the cinematography, the costumes, the music, the performances, the stunts, the story – everything, really – is the message at the centre of it. When a woman is the lead superhero (a goddess, even), she can be kick-ass strong and brave while also being kind and vulnerable. Diana Prince cares about everyone. Not just the ones who fall under her specific mission, but every single person affected by pain, loss, hunger, war, death.

As Glennon Doyle says, “There’s no such thing as other people’s children.” This is a uniquely feminine perspective, living deep in the hearts of women everywhere, and FINALLY, Wonder Woman captures this universal compassion in her story.

It moved me to my core. I recognized it. I felt it in my bones. Since Trump’s election, when the mostly sane and moral world has gone stark-raving mad and human decency began to rot on the vine, I’ve been saying that it’s time for women to have a go with world leadership. We can’t possibly screw it up worse than the men who are in charge and have been for so, so, so long.

It’s reassuring to see a movie come along that demonstrates these ideals in action. Wonder Woman advances the notion that we are all responsible for the problems of our world. No endless cycle of blaming or the myth of redemptive violence. We are the ones we have been waiting for. Chris Pine’s character states, “You can either do nothing or you can do something. I already tried doing nothing and it doesn’t work.” It’s time to pick up our sword and go into battle.

When we come across pain, we cannot turn away, saying, “It’s not my problem.” This isn’t about fairness, as the movie states brilliantly. It’s about what you believe.

Diana believes in love. She comes to understand that the connections we form with other people are the fuel that will sustain us as we pursue justice and wisdom. Diana’s rage reaches a boiling point when she is faced with personal loss and suffering, but she continues to fight for freedom and safety for EVERYONE, not just a select few.

Wonder Woman is genius filmmaking, on many levels (one of my favourite aspects was the way she photographed the intricate action sequences, where for once you could actually see what was happening frame by frame – thank you Patty Jenkins for your attention to detail and willingness to slow it down!), but the icing on the cake is the female perspective on violence, relationships, leadership, empathy and the future of peace in our world.

Brava, Wonder Woman filmmakers. And thank you.

In Culture, Identity, Minimalism, Nurture, Personal Growth, Relationships

Sit With It

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on

Are you overwhelmed by stress? Do you feel frustrated, sad, scared, hopeless or some mix of these elements? You don’t have to fix it. Try SWIT: sit with it.

It’s my new philosophy. I used to rush in so hard to every emotion, situation, relationship or problem I faced. I had the solution, dammit, and I’d make it fit no matter what.

One of the great benefits of getting older is not giving so many shits about what isn’t actually my business. And even when it is my business, I’m not God and I often can’t see the forest for the trees, so when I hurry a fix to a complicated issue, I’m making it worse instead of better.

Try it. Simply sit with what is bugging you.

Weight

Feel fat? So do I. Rather than obsessing or shaming or radically changing your diet or exercise plan, just sit with it for a little while. Allow it to be near you. Notice why it bothers you. Don’t fix it. Sit with it.

It works like meditation does: by slowing down and cutting across the mental noise we experience every day. Ever notice how much bigger and harder something seems when you are trying not to focus on it? The SWIT plan invites the worry, person, concept or problem in rather than forcing it out.

Speak gently to the areas that bother you the most. Allow your fear to come and sit with you. Offer it a place (let’s be honest, it has one anyway, and when you don’t acknowledge the terror it only takes up more of your mental space) and show it some grace and love. You don’t have to interact with it or make it disappear. Soothe it. Breathe through it until you achieve a bit of comfort with it so close to you.

This idea of sitting with what makes me uncomfortable has really moved the needle forward on my ability to love myself. It’s given me a practical way to extend care to my wounded heart. I’m working on loving my body, exactly as it is right now, thirty pounds more than I want it to be, and simply sitting with it and offering no judgement or solutions has been so freeing.

Technology

Most of us live like scared rabbits in 2017. Technology has taken over and we are held tightly in its iron fist. Turning off our digital devices requires a heroic amount of courage. Many times I fail to do what I long to do (hit the off button). I’m practicing SWIT with my technology, too. The addiction is so big – too far gone to fix it with one simple measure. Breathing, closing my eyes and inviting my dependence on my technology to be near me is enough for now.

People

When I struggle with another person, I’m trying to use the SWIT idea to bring them near. Alone, I summon them in a soft voice and tell them why I’m hurt or upset. I practice wishing them well and extending the type of care and affection I have no problem offering to those I love.

I speak in a reassuring voice, saying, “It will be all right. We’re going to make it through this.” I know that this is for me and not for them, but it helps to smooth out the rough edges in our next interaction. While I’m sitting with people who bug me, I also remember to remind myself that I’m not responsible for their side of our relationship – only mine.

When we acknowledge what frightens us, we immediately loosen its grip. Bring it slowly into the light. Break the secrecy and the shame that blooms in the dark like a fungus. Anything that hurts you, learn to sit with it until you can begin to work with it.

Baby steps are required. But strength comes when we talk openly about what matters, what injures our souls, what steals our precious time, attention and resources. I’m learning to sit with the hard stuff, without giving in to the pressure I feel to have the answers and the solutions. Anyone joining me in my mission to SWIT?

In Culture, Nurture, Parenting

How to Talk to Kids About our World

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on

How do we talk to our kids about the raging mess that is our current world? A place where young girls are blown up at a concert, rights for women, the poor and immigrants are being stripped away by governments and elected politicians lie routinely about every damn thing under the sun. It’s dark out there, but glossing over it with our kids is not the answer.

Depending on the age of your children, these suggestions may have to be adapted, but the principles remain the same whether you have a preschooler, a tween or an almost-adult about to leave home.

How do we talk to our kids about the world? Here are my best ideas:

Honesty.

Evading, hiding and deflecting are strategies that don’t work. If you are anxious about the news (and if you feel chill and at ease about the world in 2017, you likely aren’t paying close enough attention), your children are, too. If you don’t talk about current events honestly with your kids, they will hear something at school or on the playground or at your in-laws’ barbecue and without some careful context provided by you, your kids are likely to feel way more upset by what they hear because it will carry the added power of secrecy with it.

It’s normal to worry about scaring them unnecessarily or getting your explanation wrong. You may do both but go ahead and talk to them anyway. Build that trust. Plant the seeds for a compassionate response. Know that scary situations are best borne together with the ones you love.

Questions.

Encourage questions. Ask things like, “Why do you suppose she believes that? What do you think will happen as a result of this world event? How do you feel when we talk about this?”

Questions are a beautiful entity. They help children understand that grownups may not have all of the answers, but they are willing to ask hard questions and pool a sense of knowledge for the greater good. Questions also provide a safe route to the hidden nooks and crannies in our hearts. They help us feel less isolated and alone.

Optimism.

This one is tough right now, but it’s important not to leave the discussion with a bleak sense that all hope is lost. Our kids are looking to us to be their lighthouse. We cannot allow them to dash against the rocks in the dark. It’s our job to be open and candid, but also to dig deep and put an optimistic spin on even the saddest, most desperate news story.

Try something alone these lines: “I know this is scary. I feel sad and worried, too. But I know that I am strong and capable and so are you. We will always stick together and show as much love and kindness and compassion to ourselves and to others as possible, and we will be okay.”

I truly wish we had a better state of current affairs so these conversations would be easier. But every one of us must play the cards we are dealt and model this courage to our children. It’s no good denying, hiding, distracting, blaming. Like the greatest heroes in history who have inspired us, it’s time to bravely meet circumstances as they are, with our kids beside us, and change the world by changing ourselves.

In Culture, Minimalism, Nurture

Excess is Killing Us

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on

I went to the U2 Joshua Tree 2017 concert in Vancouver on Friday night. Not because I wanted to, but Jason had never been able to get tickets in his younger years and always had a burning desire to see them perform live. Supportive wife that I am, I agreed to go with him for a birthday present.

From what I’ve read, this tour is a scaled-down show for U2 compared to some of their previous tours, but I found it overwhelmingly high-tech, expensive and over the top when it came to lights, screens and effects (admittedly, I attended Christian concerts in my youth with the likes of Michael W. Smith, Steve Green and Amy Grant so I’m not a connoisseur of rock music and I’m a true Granny at heart when it comes to noise and spectacle).

As a culture, we seem to crave endless entertainment. But when is it enough? If we are constantly searching for bigger, louder, more impressive and expensive, when does this thirst ever get quenched? And at what point do we decide it’s too much and now we want something simpler, deeper, more accessible to everyone instead of just those at the top of the economic structure?

My journey into minimalism has radically shifted my perspective on what I’m willing to spend time and money on. I question everything now, which I think is good and healthy (albeit awkward and often tense at parties or functions when I start to rail on about my theories).

When Jason and I discussed this on the way home from the concert, he said, “This live performance is also a unique experience that we’ll have forever. That’s part of what we’re paying for.” I agree with this, in theory, but I still question the cost, both financially and morally, of investing in something so big and loud and insanely expensive for what amounts to ninety minutes of entertainment.

Excess is killing us. Flash and dash does not satisfy long term. I want to invest in depth and substance, something that moves the needle of love, mercy and justice toward the oppressed instead of focusing on my own nostalgia and appetite for entertainment.

Is it wrong to go see U2 in concert? Of course not. But I think it’s okay to admit that I have conflicted feelings about being part of something that costs millions when the world is in such desperate need of water, food, safety, equal rights, environmental conservation and peace (to name just a few of our global issues). These things matter more than my desire to be wowed at any cost.

I don’t know what the answer is here. I wish I did. All I know is that my heart hurts for the intolerance and simmering rage I observe in our society right now. We need to think bigger in terms of solutions and hope for everyone, not just a select few. I want to go beyond consumption, entertainment and individual excess. I long to see what we can do together for the poor, the broken, the marginalized, the sick. Less of what I need, more of what we need.

But how? This is the question I’m desperate to answer.