In Identity, Nurture, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationships

Lessons Learned from my Appendix Rupture

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
Lessons Learned from my Appendix Rupture

One year ago my appendix ruptured and my whole life changed.

With the most significant events and milestones in our lives, we need time to truly understand and appreciate how these tragedies define and alter us. My surgery and complicated eight-day recovery in the hospital taught me the beautiful art of surrender. I had the chance to practice letting go of what I wanted in order to embrace what was actually happening.

This deliberate act of remaining present has changed the trajectory of my last year. It taught me to recognize what really matters to me and to stop stressing over the little annoying parts of daily existence.

Measured from August to August, we’ve had massive upheaval as a family. We sold a house in Alberta and bought a townhouse in BC. Jason started a new job. We lived with my in-laws for two months. Ava and William changed schools and left their friends behind. Nearly everything looks different a year later.

But it’s my internal changes that have shocked me the most. Fundamentally, I am different. The specific insecurities and fears that I have wrestled with forever have been sublimated and conquered. Surviving those long, lonely days in the hospital when I was getting worse and not better showed me what I’m truly made of. I proved something to myself that I couldn’t talk myself into; I had to live it out, minute by minute, under adverse circumstances in order to put this worthiness garbage to bed once and for all.

I didn’t get a choice about how sick I was last summer and how shitty the timing was, with Jason working in BC and most of my friends out of town for the August long weekend. But I can honestly say, one year later, just how grateful I am for what I learned in that dark corner bed at the Peter Lougheed Hospital in Calgary.

Deciding not to feel less-than and unworthy of love any more was lesson number one. Recognizing that Jason, Ava and William are the most important people in my life was lesson number two. And finally seeing that I am capable and strong was lesson number three.

Each of these lessons has drastically improved the daily quality of my life. I’m no longer lost in a fog of longing for what I do not have or regret for what I cannot go back and change. Now I’m choosing to stay present, with those I love and with the exciting possibilities present in each day I’m alive, knowing that I am enough for any challenge or setback that comes my way.

This confidence is foreign and yet so welcome and inspiring. I am enough. And so are you. 

Living as if anything else is true is to waste precious time. Let’s stop doing that. It’s as simple as making a decision. Decide what is most important to you, who is most important to you, and know that you are competent for any task that comes your way. It’s life changing.

In Identity, Movies/TV, Nurture, Personal Growth, Speaking, Writing

Going Back to University

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
Going Back to University

I’m going back to university this fall to finish my undergraduate degree.

I have one and a half years of college completed, but it was A) many moons ago and B) taken in the United States so most of it won’t transfer to Canada, which essentially means that I’m going back to school to start fresh on a degree that I was partway to finishing twenty-four years ago and didn’t complete.

But it sounds better to me to say I’m going back in order to finish, as attending school part-time in my mid-forties is a daunting task. I may still get some credit from my transcripts, but even if I don’t, I’ve decided to stop waiting around to complete this life goal (or at least inch toward it).

Our biggest goals are funny entities. At times, they feel so close we can touch them, and other times they elude us and drive us mad with frustration. One day this spring I realized that I’ve been talking about going back to school for so many years and no time seemed quite right to do it.

I did return to Weekend University in Calgary in 2009 but after one course I decided to put it on hold as running a home business, working part-time at a local newspaper, writing and managing life with a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old proved too much for me. At the time I thought I’d take a break for a year or two and then return when life settled down but suddenly 8 years went by and I realized I’d done nothing to get me closer to graduating with a Bachelor of Arts.

So I’m doing it now. My writing and speaking careers are chugging along, with small, happy milestones along the way to my biggest dreams becoming realities. Ava’s acting career is moving forward and I’m busy taking her to auditions and working with her agent on submissions. I’m getting a few days work here and there as a background performer in movies and TV shows. I just formed a production company with two people and I’m screenwriting and producing short films. It’s all an incredible amount of fun and feels like the right combination of tasks for me to be doing.

Returning to university, even for one class a semester, is equal parts terrifying and exciting. When I said this to my friend Pam, she responded, “Well, Julianne, if you aren’t terrified and excited you aren’t really living life to the fullest!” This helped to encourage me, probably more than she knows.

Ava is 14 and in a few years we will be touring colleges and universities for her. I won’t be anywhere near done my degree by then but at least I’ll be plugging away at it, chipping away at this goal that fell by the wayside for a number of (mostly) valid reasons so many years ago. I want to continue to challenge myself, to prove that I can do things that are way out of my comfort zone.

I can learn. I can work hard. I can dream big. I can model what I believe through my day-to-day actions. This time around, my degree will be in Creative Writing instead of Communications. It’s been a long and winding road to find my way back to my true self and to develop the courage to grow into my biggest dreams. I’ve never been happier.

It’s time to stop talking about this particular goal and get inching toward it. Better late than never.

In Books, Culture

Summer Book Recommendations

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
Summer Book Recommendations

Summer is here and I’ve been reading so many incredible books that I thought I’d recommend a few of them in case you are looking for something to read on your deck, at the beach or on vacation. I’ve also been watching some fabulous TV and going to the cinema a lot these last few weeks so maybe I’ll do posts on what to watch as well.

But for now, let’s focus on reading. Here are some terrific summer reads for you, in a variety of genres and styles:

I’ve been a fan of John Grisham forever, so I read every single thing he publishes. Even I can admit that his last few books have been misses more than hits, but Camino Island is a winner.

The plot focuses on rare books, jealous writers and summer living on a Florida island with a little bit of the FBI thrown in so it feels like a Grisham novel. This one is light and fun and tailor-made for me and my literary tastes.

 

Roxane Gay is an incredible writer. Bad Feminist was a favourite read for me and I’ve only just begun Hunger and I’m in love with it.

Her voice is raw, honest and compelling. She tackles the painful, embarrassing, hard topics that many wouldn’t go near. She is my hero – courageous, authentic, vulnerable and willing to take down the walls to show you who she really is.

 

Rich People Problems is about as much fun as you can have reading a book. This is the third book in Kevin Kwan’s fabulous trilogy about ultra-rich Asians.

It’s a peek into a culture I know nothing about and it’s ridiculously fun to dwell in this wild world for a few days.

Don’t start with this one – be sure to read Crazy Rich Asians and China Rich Girlfriend first, but then you’ll definitely enjoy this in your beach bag.

 

This book taught me so much. It draws a parallel between the events leading up to Nazi Germany and the state of our world today.

In 20 brief lessons, Timothy Snyder lays out the signs of tyranny and teaches us what to watch for and how best to react in order to fight the authoritarian mindset.

It’s an important read, particularly in these troubling times.

 

I had serious trouble putting this book down. Lisa Ko’s use of language is so elegant and compelling. The story she weaves is beautiful, stirring and remarkable.

As a debut, this book blew me away. It’s a story of a complicated mother and her son, spanning many years as the boy grows up and they work to find their way back to each other.

 

At the beginning of the summer I also read The Circle by Dave Eggers (it’s not new as it came out in 2013 but a movie was just made based on the book starring Emma Watson which I haven’t seen). It’s a dystopian book that does a beautiful job warning us of current and upcoming digital dangers. I really liked it.

And in case I haven’t already bored you with this in person or on social media, if you haven’t read Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty (published in 2014), please drop everything and start reading. You’ll be glad you did. I don’t really read murder mysteries but this one is exceptional. And the HBO show with Reese Witherspoon is supposed to be amazing, too.

There’s so much good stuff out there! Here are the next 3 titles I’m reading:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What are you reading this summer? Have you read any of these? Do tell!

In Culture, Identity, Nurture, Personal Growth, Relationships

Hold Loosely

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
Hold Loosely

I know I’m on the wrong road when I begin to forecast outcomes for the things I really desire. I roll them around in my mind like cotton candy in a drum, thinking, “And then this will happen, and then this!” until I have it all planned out and now I just have to wait for it to unfold in reality.

But then it doesn’t go my way. And I’m disappointed, but I was never guaranteed any of those magical outcomes. I simply talked myself into them and then I have to deal with the extreme disappointment I feel.

Holding loosely is a much healthier alternative. I wish it came more naturally to me, but for those of us who were raised in less-than-stellar homes, fantasy thinking is one of our go-to strategies for survival.

I know that taking things as they come is a better operating mode. It requires me to live in each moment I’m in. The recovery movement has taught me that expectations are pre-meditated resentments and with my whole heart I know this to be true.

When I’m upset over a few situations I realize again that I’m failing when it comes to holding loosely. I become hurt and confused by the choices other people make and the grief in my chest reminds me that I’ve been clinging to my wishes with a death grip instead of playing it as it comes with open hands.

So I go back to the beginning. First things first. How important is it? Live and let live. Other people are not under my control. I can’t see everything that’s coming. This life is full of twists and turns. It’s healthier to react to what actually happens instead of forecasting a desired outcome that’s nothing more than fantasy.

No matter what our past habits have been, we can change. All we have to do is decide to do better from this point forward, and be gentle with ourselves when we fall back into our old patterns.

For me, I’m going to write HOLD LOOSELY on a piece of paper and put it up where I can see it every day. Hopefully this will help me to recall that both wonderful and terrible surprises happen constantly. It’s better not to be too attached to any one outcome or decision because it will likely shift and change on me.

If we stay present, open to a variety of possibilities instead of narrowly holding onto a set course of action, we give ourselves options. My words for 2017 are open, accepting, anchored. Holding loosely fits into all of these, particularly if the anchor is my true identity and not a specific circumstance.

I’d love to hear a story of how holding loosely has helped you. Any tips for me on how to practice this skill on a regular basis?

In Culture, Identity, Nurture, Parenting, Personal Growth

The Future is Female

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on

Since the U.S. election in November 2016, I’ve been saying some variation of “the future is female” to anyone who will listen (and to some who will not), so to hear Rob Bell use this phrase in his fantastic story A Goat for a Boat re-lit a fuse somewhere in my soul.

For huge global change to occur, the existing power structure must topple. This often involves life-and-death struggle, bloodshed, loss and pain. It’s a long, slow march with a high price tag for the leaders of the movement.

The patriarchy is a long-held institution and its destruction will be costly, ugly and difficult. But also necessary. If the future is female, then we are in for quite a ride before this prophecy unfolds.

It’s interesting that Wonder Woman has been such a smash hit, coming at a time when U.S. politics feel so dangerous and damaging to many of us. I think this is all part of the deconstruction of the patriarchy as we have long understood it. Of course those at the top of this power structure feel threatened. No one wants to lose their hold on power, but as history has shown us, eventually all systems implode when the pressures inside of them and outside of them become too strong.

We are living this out. It’s going to take a long time and be brutally awful before it’s through. But the process of change is stirring. Anyone paying attention can see that something is happening in our world.

As the plot of Wonder Woman so brilliantly demonstrated, compassion and truth are the keys to a future run by women. We are stronger when we lead as a team, with our arms linked, instead of from an outdated top-down hierarchical approach. Those days are behind us. Something new is unfolding. It’s time for love to take the lead.

My 14-year-old daughter gives me hope for the future. She has grown up believing that she is a leader. She promotes fairness, equality, gentleness. Nothing in her says that boys are better leaders. That cultural programming never had a chance with Ava and most of her friends. They simply don’t buy it, and why should they? It’s garbage and always has been.

The future is female. Thanks, Rob, for echoing this sentiment so beautifully in your clever children’s story. The time is now to recognize the obvious limitations of white men holding onto power at any cost. The way forward is to include everyone when the decisions are being made. We need many different voices at the table.

Women have a lot to say. We can contribute. We are leaders with a fresh perspective on local and global issues. It’s our time to shine, to collaborate, to offer up solutions with peace and kindness at their core instead of violence and competition. If the future is female, our outlook is bright and optimistic.