Julianne Harvey

Difficult People

Julianne HarveyDecember 14, 2017

What do you do when people annoy you? We’ve all got someone (count yourself lucky if it’s only one person!) or it’s always possible that we are the difficult people for others to manage.

As we come into the festive holiday season, tensions are sure to rise and situations can become heated in a hurry. This is part of being alive. To be human is to be make mistakes, to deal with mess, to feel irritated by both small and big things that other people do or say.

I’ve been ruminating on the issue of difficult people lately, and thought I would boil down a few of my strategies in case they offer any comfort to others. Here are five ways I handle people who routinely drive me around the bend:

Use Body Language

Words can quickly get us into trouble with confrontational or difficult people, but our body language can speak for us. Try stiffening your shoulders if someone offends you. Raise your eyebrows. Purse your lips. Turn away slightly. If you can, get up and leave the room.

These are all clues to perhaps help the person recognize that you are uncomfortable/pissed off/annoyed. Maybe, just maybe, they will notice and adjust their behaviour.

Set an Example

I always strive to have my own words and actions meet my high standard of conduct – the one I set for other people that they often fail to meet. I can’t do much about others interrupting, shouting, saying inflammatory political or religious statements, allowing their kids to run wild and be disrespectful, etc, but I can do my best to ensure my own behaviour adheres to my moral code and doesn’t violate the social contract that governs our public interactions.

Hold their Dignity Intact

In my presentation on developing emotional resilience, I talk about the goal of holding each person’s dignity front and centre in our interactions. I admit that it’s much easier to do this when the other person is kind, humble and low-maintenance, but it’s a great goal for the difficult, exhausting ones. Even if you grit your teeth and clench your fists, remember that everyone deserves to be treated with dignity.

Find the Positive

This is tricky for me. When someone is irritating the hell out of me, I find it challenging to locate any of their redeeming qualities. But try making a mental list. Does she volunteer for a charity board? Does he help his kid with homework? Everyone has some positive traits, even if you have to dig pretty far to find them.

Cope However you Can

Pour a drink. Listen to music. Eat a delicious slice of apple pie. Step outside and look at the stars for five minutes to regain some perspective. Vent to your private journal. Go hug someone you adore who is pleasant to be around and tell her how much you appreciate her.

Count your blessings and remember that difficult people are all around us, but you are in charge of who you spend your time with. Choose wisely.

In Identity, Minimalism, Movies/TV, Personal Growth, Speaking, Writing

Contentment

Julianne HarveyDecember 8, 2017

I turn 45 this week. I’ve been thinking back to when I turned 37 and my life began to change dramatically. It’s hard to believe that 8 years have gone by since then. I read once that it takes 7 years for a new city to really feel like home and I believe that to be true. I’ve been living now as my authentic self for the last 7 years and I’m finally beginning to settle in and enjoy myself.

The biggest thing I did at the age of 37 was create boundaries. I had existed my whole life without any clear idea of where I ended and someone else began so boundaries were brand new and terrifying to me. Thankfully, my amazing counsellor Joanne explained what healthy boundaries looked like and she helped me find the courage to set them and hold them when they were tested. This process helped me take control of my time and safeguard my emotions. It saved me.

I also began to experiment with saying no when I didn’t want to do something. A few months ago I looked back over my calendars since 2011 and I felt weary just paging through the many obligations, committees, coffee dates, church activities, etc. that I used to do. Learning to say no and not stress over the other person’s reaction to my decision has liberated me and I’m incredibly grateful.

Perhaps this also falls under boundaries and saying no, but over the last few years I’ve made hard choices about the people I allow into my life and these decisions have made me so happy. At first, it was painful and isolating, but over time I could feel my soul healing as I recovered from the intense people pleasing that had been my key mode in the early years of my life. Choosing not to have negative, draining, selfish people in my inner circles has made room for so many positive, kind, generous ones to take their place and my health is better every single day as a result.

Turning 45 marks a significant point in my life. I’m working steadily in the Vancouver area as a background performer in film and TV and I feel so alive as I walk out my biggest dreams. I worked on a big show a few times this month and while waiting for the bathroom at the studio I stood outside of the writers’ room, listening to them have a story meeting. My spine tingled with the excitement of it, and the thought “one day I’ll be in a writers’ room” didn’t feel far-fetched in the slightest. Instead it seemed inevitable.

I just finished my first semester of my university creative writing class. I know it’s not polite to brag, but finishing with a mark in the mid-nineties was reassuring after so many years away from school. Right now I have the feeling that I’m in the sweet spot when it comes to decades of pursuing writing, speaking and film work. It’s coming together, in a satisfying and unforced manner, and I am so content.

It’s only recently that I’ve actually decided to enjoy my life as it is, not how I once dreamed it could be. Chasing an elusive someday stokes up discontent and sadness. Staying present to notice what’s working well and paying attention to those you love who also love you in return is worth its weight in gold.

Here’s to marking the middle of my forties with gratitude, warmth and light. Our world needs us to be operating at our healthiest and happiest capacity. As a friend posted the other day, “Water only what waters you. Let go of anything that leaves you feeling thirsty.”

In Culture, Minimalism, Parenting, Personal Growth

Minimalist Meet-Up

Julianne HarveyNovember 29, 2017

Last week, a woman new to minimalism reached out on Facebook to ask if any minimalists lived in her area. She was beginning to purge her possessions and wanted some advice and support from others who are walking a similar path.

I responded right away and we messaged back and forth a bit. Soon a few other minimalists commented as well, and we had ourselves a minimalism coffee date planned for the weekend.

It’s so refreshing to pass along what we know to someone else who is interested in what we have to say. We can also be helped by remembering what it was like at the beginning, when everything is new and overwhelming, and offering a few kind words of support can go a long way.

I felt energized by our meet-up. It’s a wonderful thing at this time of the year, with Black Friday and Cyber Monday advertisements pounding us from all sides, followed shortly by the onslaught that is the Christmas marketing machine, to realize yet again that spending money and accumulating possessions are choices under our direct control.

In no particular order, these were some of the things we discussed at our meet-up:

Finances

We encouraged our new friend to take a good look at where she and her husband spend their money. For me, this was a wake-up call. When you know how much you are spending every month, it can help you make better choices going forward. Our goal is to have no debt other than a mortgage. We are not there yet, but we’re closer than we’ve ever been and that feels fabulous.

Schedule

A big part of the minimalism lifestyle is learning to manage your schedule. No longer conforming to our culture’s obsession with being crazy busy feels awesome. We encouraged our new friend to say no to more things that don’t bring her joy or life and to work at creating space in her calendar. This is one of my favourite parts of my minimalist lifestyle.

Possessions

The woman who reached out to us set aside 3 days to do nothing but purge items from her house. I applaud this effort, but I certainly didn’t have that kind of stamina when I first went through my rooms, closets, drawers and garage. I set a timer for 15 minutes per day and only tackled small, manageable areas. Sure, it took me months, but this system worked well for me.

Maintenance

Those of us who have been minimalists for awhile cautioned her about the maintenance it requires to keep your counters clear of clutter and your drawers from piling up with junk again. Purging once is not enough. You have to be vigilant with everything that comes into your house. I try to deal with papers and shopping right away, making sure it all has a proper place in my home, otherwise the piling up starts to snowball quickly.

Mindset

Becoming a minimalist requires you to change your thinking so that your buying patterns change. Otherwise, you will just be on an endless rat wheel of consuming, purging and re-organizing. We’ve radically changed the way we buy, using lots of little tips and tricks.

Want to hear more? Come join us at a Minimalist Meet-Up or drop me a line and ask away!

In Identity, Personal Growth, Writing

A New Love for Poetry

Julianne HarveyNovember 23, 2017

I’m absolutely loving my university Creative Writing class this fall. My professor has taught me so much that I didn’t know or had never considered about writing.

Every writer has bad habits and weak areas. I knew this going in. Anyone who has had a professional editor look over their work will be familiar with the red marks on a page or Google Doc, highlighting for all the world to see the words you tend to overuse and abuse (mine are “all” – used in the previous sentence for shit’s sake – and “too” and for some unknown reason I use “tiny” way too often…sigh).

But in this class my mind has been blown wide open by imagery. I’ve knowingly underused imagery in my work, justifying it by telling anyone who would listen that “I’m interested in the inner landscape so I don’t waste time describing setting and characters.”

Such horseshit. Now I see what I’ve been missing out on. It’s like a giant puzzle piece, sliding into place, informing every area of my writing by upping my game when it comes to descriptive imagery. Particularly in poetry and the art of the short story.

From grade five through second-year university, I attended small evangelical Christian schools. It’s possible I’ve simply blocked it out, but I honestly don’t recall learning anything about poetry in my school years. I grew up with a certain disdain for poems, believing them to be inscrutable and pretentious.

And now I’m studying poetry at the ripe old age of forty-four, twenty-five years after I left university, and I’m blown away by how much I love it and how naturally it comes to me (now that I’ve been challenged to use concrete words and images instead of the abstract ones I’ve been fond of for so long). It’s like a whole new world and I wonder why I waited so long to dive in.

I’m reading poetry, and I’m writing poetry, and I’m knee-deep in the joys of juxtaposition, wordplay and double meanings. It’s fun. And with every word I write, and each new contest I enter, I’m feeling stronger and more confident as a writer.

This is where the good stuff is. It’s in the learning curve, the challenge, the messiest parts of our lives. Approaching writing as if I’m new to it has given me a fresh interpretation of the craft and the process. I feel like I’m in Oz, peeking behind the curtain, and marvelling at the nuts and bolts of building stories, worlds and emotions on the page.

I can’t wait to see what’s next. Bring it on.

In Minimalism, Nurture, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationships, Writing

Moving Things Forward

Julianne HarveyNovember 15, 2017

Do you ever get overwhelmed at the enormity of tasks in front of you? Try this strategy: Moving Things Forward (or MTF for short if you enjoy acronyms, which I do).

Every day, try to think in terms of moving a project forward. Do one or two things that will help you inch closer to your goal. Over a month and then a year, these little steps add up to large progress.

In my case, when I go a day without writing, I usually go to bed feeling ticked off that I didn’t get any words down. Even when I do sit down to write for an hour or two, often I feel irritated (at best, morose at worst) that I didn’t accomplish more.

But when I sit down at the end of my day and look at all of the areas where I did move things forward, even in small ways, it can add up to much more than I realize. I’ve been using my journal for this purpose, in a type of success tally, and it’s really increased my ability to feel as if I’m accomplishing something on a daily basis.

How about you? What are all the ways you are Moving Things Forward in your life? Break it down into specific categories (family, career, friends, hobbies, leisure, vacation, etc.). Booked a babysitter? A haircut for next week? Sent a friend a text to say you are thinking about her? Browsed vacation possibilities for this summer? Researched something that will help you in your work? Watched an episode of Mindhunter or Stranger Things? (Awesome, you are moving toward finishing these excellent series).

Every one of these are examples of moving things forward. I’m working on thinking smaller with my day-to-day existence. The small things, done well, do eventually add up to become the big things. This also gives me significant breathing room to enjoy my life as its unfolding. Progress, each day, in specific areas will eventually get you where you most want to go.

I’d love to hear a story of how Moving Things Forward is working for you!