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In Culture, Identity, Minimalism, Nurture, Personal Growth, Relationships

Sit With It

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on

Are you overwhelmed by stress? Do you feel frustrated, sad, scared, hopeless or some mix of these elements? You don’t have to fix it. Try SWIT: sit with it.

It’s my new philosophy. I used to rush in so hard to every emotion, situation, relationship or problem I faced. I had the solution, dammit, and I’d make it fit no matter what.

One of the great benefits of getting older is not giving so many shits about what isn’t actually my business. And even when it is my business, I’m not God and I often can’t see the forest for the trees, so when I hurry a fix to a complicated issue, I’m making it worse instead of better.

Try it. Simply sit with what is bugging you.

Weight

Feel fat? So do I. Rather than obsessing or shaming or radically changing your diet or exercise plan, just sit with it for a little while. Allow it to be near you. Notice why it bothers you. Don’t fix it. Sit with it.

It works like meditation does: by slowing down and cutting across the mental noise we experience every day. Ever notice how much bigger and harder something seems when you are trying not to focus on it? The SWIT plan invites the worry, person, concept or problem in rather than forcing it out.

Speak gently to the areas that bother you the most. Allow your fear to come and sit with you. Offer it a place (let’s be honest, it has one anyway, and when you don’t acknowledge the terror it only takes up more of your mental space) and show it some grace and love. You don’t have to interact with it or make it disappear. Soothe it. Breathe through it until you achieve a bit of comfort with it so close to you.

This idea of sitting with what makes me uncomfortable has really moved the needle forward on my ability to love myself. It’s given me a practical way to extend care to my wounded heart. I’m working on loving my body, exactly as it is right now, thirty pounds more than I want it to be, and simply sitting with it and offering no judgement or solutions has been so freeing.

Technology

Most of us live like scared rabbits in 2017. Technology has taken over and we are held tightly in its iron fist. Turning off our digital devices requires a heroic amount of courage. Many times I fail to do what I long to do (hit the off button). I’m practicing SWIT with my technology, too. The addiction is so big – too far gone to fix it with one simple measure. Breathing, closing my eyes and inviting my dependence on my technology to be near me is enough for now.

People

When I struggle with another person, I’m trying to use the SWIT idea to bring them near. Alone, I summon them in a soft voice and tell them why I’m hurt or upset. I practice wishing them well and extending the type of care and affection I have no problem offering to those I love.

I speak in a reassuring voice, saying, “It will be all right. We’re going to make it through this.” I know that this is for me and not for them, but it helps to smooth out the rough edges in our next interaction. While I’m sitting with people who bug me, I also remember to remind myself that I’m not responsible for their side of our relationship – only mine.

When we acknowledge what frightens us, we immediately loosen its grip. Bring it slowly into the light. Break the secrecy and the shame that blooms in the dark like a fungus. Anything that hurts you, learn to sit with it until you can begin to work with it.

Baby steps are required. But strength comes when we talk openly about what matters, what injures our souls, what steals our precious time, attention and resources. I’m learning to sit with the hard stuff, without giving in to the pressure I feel to have the answers and the solutions. Anyone joining me in my mission to SWIT?

In Culture, Nurture, Relationships

Live and Let Live

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on

Live and let live is one of my favourite slogans of the recovery movement. So simple and yet so challenging, for we all have opinions on how others should function.

Most of the time, what other people do is none of our damn business. Putting this thought into practice can radically change your life for the better.

Does a certain family member drive you up the wall? How about a neighbour? Or a parent at your kid’s school? Maybe it’s a co-worker, your boss or a particular client?

Live and let live. You get to make any choice you want in life, with your words, your actions, the expression of your thoughts and feelings. And guess what – so does the person you makes you utterly bonkers.

It’s infuriating and freeing, at exactly the same time. It’s not up to us to decide how other people should live. They get to choose and they also get to deal with their unique consequences. And the same is true for us.

Learning to practice this has been one of the hardest but happiest experiences for me. When I find myself in a negative cycle of criticizing someone whose decisions make zero sense to me, I step back (often midway through my rant) and remember to say, “Live and let live.”

I’m not responsible for what other people do and say and neither are you. Why should we waste even a moment of our precious life worrying or fretting about something that’s not our responsibility? This is where the “live” part of the slogan comes in. It’s up to me to make my own decisions and look after the words I say, for good or for evil, and make a conscious choice to allow the other person to be responsible for theirs.

Try it. Write “live and let live” somewhere and look at it to remind yourself not to get involved when it’s someone else’s life. As I improve at this, I’m working on adding, “I wish you well” to this phrase so I can extend a bit of goodwill to the person who might baffle, irritate or anger me. I do this because it’s healthy for my soul and also because it makes the world feel softer, gentler, more loving. This is a Step Two kind of thing, however, so I don’t recommend starting with it. Build up to it.

The goal is to be busy creating a life that we love living, so we have less interest in criticizing anyone else’s decisions. If it has nothing to do with me, I’m really trying to simply leave it alone. And where it does affect me, I get to choose how I respond and then let go of whatever the other person does or says.

If we all work at living how we want to live and letting others live how they want to live, our world will be a more peaceful place. And that’s good news for everyone.

In Minimalism, Nurture, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationships

More Beauty, Less Rushing

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on

I’ve committed to waking up to the beauty and inspiration all around me. Far too often I notice I’m sleepwalking through life, going through the necessary motions of getting exercise, eating, trying to get enough sleep, writing, e-mailing, planning for the future, remembering to text or call friends, making sure the kids and husband are okay, watching Netflix and so on.

But when I really begin to pay attention, the minutia of existence falls away, just for a little, and I’m able to function in a different, more beautiful dimension.

On Monday, I dropped Ava at her dance class and stopped at Save-On for some groceries. As I pulled into a parking spot, Corey Hart’s “Never Surrender” came on the radio, so as all self-respecting people of a certain age would do, I pumped up the volume (see what I did there?) and stayed in the car until the song was over.

This gave me a chance to sing and look out the windshield for the brief interlude of one fantastic 80s song. Dusk was just beginning to descend, so the sky was that intense shade of blue, like the ocean after a storm. Clouds perforated the landscape, creating visual interest and texture.

Across from me was an old minivan, with the back hatch open. A young, bearded man sat there, reading a beat-up paperback book and stroking the soft head of an ancient dog lying with his head in the man’s lap. The scene was so gentle, intimate and stirring, it restored my hope and my focus. Watching for two minutes took me out of my harried modern world and restored me to myself.

Ava worked this weekend on a short film and on Saturday morning her set was a small park in North Vancouver. While the cast and crew blocked a complicated fight scene, my attention drifted to a dad pushing his eighteen-month-old daughter on a baby swing a few feet away. He stood in front of her and pretended she kicked him in the stomach every time the swing came forward. He said, “Ooof!” with a mock pained expression and the baby laughed every single time.

This game went on for about ten minutes. He never once glanced at his cell phone or seemed bored. He was utterly dialled in and present with her. Simply observing the connection between the two of them gave me an enormous lump in my throat.

Beauty is everywhere. I’m determined to create more of those moments in my own life. To stop rushing and to savour instead. To slow, to rest, to be enough, to cease hustling and proving. To recognize that success is how we define it and not what anyone else thinks or says.

Time is fleeting. Petting a dog while the sun sets or soaking up the giggles of your beloved child are worthwhile, important pursuits.

More beauty, less rushing. Awareness makes these gifts possible. They are right there, ours for the taking, with the power to change us for the better.

In Nurture, Personal Growth, Relationships

Essential Ingredients for a Thriving Marriage

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
Essential Ingredients for a Thriving Marriage

Anyone can be married, but to build a thriving, healthy, considerate give-and-take relationship takes constant effort and is a rare commodity in this world.

I’m immensely grateful for the marriage Jason and I have created over the last nineteen years. He is celebrating his 40th birthday this week and it felt like a good time to reflect on the ingredients that have made our marriage successful and satisfying.

Since my kids were little, I’ve hammered home the personality traits they should prioritize above all else when it comes time for them to decide on a marriage partner. The two essential qualities I’ve urged them to seek are kindness and a sense of humour.

Without a doubt, these two ingredients have been huge factors in the overall quality of our marriage. We both make each other laugh, every single day or pretty damn close, and a good laugh can help you get through the petty grievances of life. When you are truly relaxed with another person, accepted for your true self, it becomes easier to crack them up or to giggle yourself over stupid little things that might not be funny to anyone else.

Like humour, kindness greases the gears of the mundane to make every interaction more pleasant and enjoyable. It’s a worthwhile goal to treat your spouse with as much courtesy as possible, even if you might be irritated by them, for this politeness goes a long way in softening the atmosphere around you.

When Jason and I choose to be kind to each other above all else, intentionally curbing biting sarcasm or rude insults, we literally change the air around us and create a happy living environment daily for us and for our kids (not to mention friends and extended family and even strangers).

The other secret to our marriage is a willingness to grow and change. We offer each other permission to become the truest, most authentic versions of ourselves. When we are peacefully existing without disguises (or at least inching closer to this desire every day), bravely allowing our most vulnerable selves to be seen, we tend to evolve in a similar direction together.

We are still individuals, growing and changing separately, but our shared goals are more easily aligned and we are like unique flowers bending toward the same sun.

Being married to Jason has been the best experience of my life, without question. Saying yes when he asked me to marry him was the single decision that radically improved the course and trajectory of my life. I’m so proud of the quality of our family that we’ve built as a team. We are not simply existing in the same house together, but rather crafting a life with intentionality, purpose, forgiveness, laughter, kindness and loving care.

Happy 40th, my love. Here’s to a future that only burns brighter.

In Identity, Nurture, Parenting, Relationships

So Much to Celebrate

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
So Much to Celebrate

My daughter Ava is turning 14 and like most parents, I’m feeling nostalgic. It’s so easy to get lost in the memories of her big baby grin, how cute she looked in white Osh Kosh baby shoes and a pink-and-white striped dress, or fresh from a bath, snuggly and warm in her fuzzy footy sleepers.

All of these memories are good, but nostalgia is a fairly useless exercise. When we wallow too much in it, we miss what is right in front of us. A 14 year old is a radically different creature from an infant, or the eager 5 year old starting school, or the 10 year old crying about how mean some girls can be.

Ava is, of course, made up of every age she’s ever been, the way all of us are, but the job at hand is to celebrate her 14 year old self instead of pining for what’s now in the past. And there is so much to celebrate.

She was such an easy baby, toddler, young child and older child that many people said to me, “Just you wait until she’s a teenager. If they are easy when they are young, they will be a handful when they are older.” It’s not true yet and I know anything can still happen but all signs point to Ava continuing on this responsible path.

It sounds banal to say how proud I am of her, but the bottom line is that she has always made the whole mothering gig look easy for me. She is her own true self while still being generous to others. She is a fierce feminist with way more courage than I ever had in my teens to speak out about what she believes in.

Helping her reach for her acting dream has been immensely satisfying to me. I feel as if I’m picking up a thread that began to unravel in my early twenties and now Ava is sewing it into something meaningful and worthwhile. Nothing in this life is wasted. It comes back to us, when we least expect it, in a different form. It means so much to watch her find success in this beautiful pursuit of performance art.

As parents, we must continually practice letting go of our beloved children. We do not own them. They are not ours. They have their own lives and dreams and passions. We facilitate, we advise, we stay close for when they need us. But we also practice launching them into their own independence and refusing to be afraid of how it will all turn out.

Mistakes are how we grow, no matter what age and stage we are at. Learning to risk and accepting that failure is tied to success is an important part of the parenting journey. I can’t wait to see where Ava goes next. I love the person she is and is becoming and I’m proud of the relationship we’ve built.

It’s hard to wrap my brain around only having another 4 years where she will be living under our roof for sure. But the goal of parenting is to take a dependent baby and turn them into an independent adult. I feel like we are on our way to seeing this goal be a reality and that is worth celebrating.