Showing all posts in Relationships

In Culture, Identity, Nurture, Personal Growth, Relationships, Spiritual Life, Uncategorized

Pick a Side

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
Pick a Side

We can no longer afford to theorize about what we might have done if we’d been alive during the second World War. With the events of this past weekend in Charlottesville, Virginia, the time to pick a side and stand up for what you believe is RIGHT DAMN NOW.

Recently I read an article on Twitter about the defining factor between those who helped Jewish families and those who did not. The biggest difference between the people who risked their lives to save others and those who refused was their upbringing.

The people who were raised in an authoritarian setting, with punishment looming if you didn’t obey, stood by and did nothing while others were jailed, humiliated and murdered. Those who hid people persecuted by the Nazis at great risk to their own safety did so because as children they were taught to think for themselves and to question authority.

I can’t stop thinking about that article because the evil of “us versus them” is not just in the history books. It is happening now, in 2017, and it forces each one of us to pick a side. Not with our words, because we all know talk is cheap. Now is the time to prove with our actions whether we will stand up for the rights of all people and live with a sense of inclusion and compassion.

No middle ground exists here. This isn’t about left and right, conservative and liberal, fake news and real news. No shades of grey can be found in this argument. It’s time that every one of us looks deep into our own prejudices and sense of privilege. Unless we get really honest and brave about these topics, no true healing can take place.

The right response to the images and the rhetoric from Charlottesville is rage and disgust. This is the correct moral and ethical response to symbols of hate and bigotry. But as time moves on and these feelings fade, the next step is honest, reasoned conversation about the dark depths of our own hearts. When we get honest, we can start to heal and then to rebuild. It’s time now to create a healthy, inclusive, female-led world. We can’t possibly do a worse job of it than then men who have been leading for centuries.

No more grand theories. Now is the time for action. To stand up and say “NO” to hate, racism and supremacy. Now we need to work together, with love and generosity in our hearts and our words, to bring healing to such a divided, angry and lost world. It’s always darkest before the dawn, but we must build this new dawn. To make it better and more inclusive and compassionate than anything the world has seen before.

Pick a side. Neutrality does not work here. Silence is complicit agreement with the current power structure. Resistance speaks up, no matter what the personal cost, for what is right and decent and moral. It’s our time to rise. To heal. To extend our hands to those who need our help, whose very lives are threatened by this rising tide of hatred and fear.

Our weapons are love, truth, inclusion and courage. Who is ready to stand up and be counted? To speak up for what is right and to refuse to be silent and terrified. I have chosen my side and I will use my voice. This fight is too important for anything else.

In Identity, Nurture, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationships

Lessons Learned from my Appendix Rupture

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
Lessons Learned from my Appendix Rupture

One year ago my appendix ruptured and my whole life changed.

With the most significant events and milestones in our lives, we need time to truly understand and appreciate how these tragedies define and alter us. My surgery and complicated eight-day recovery in the hospital taught me the beautiful art of surrender. I had the chance to practice letting go of what I wanted in order to embrace what was actually happening.

This deliberate act of remaining present has changed the trajectory of my last year. It taught me to recognize what really matters to me and to stop stressing over the little annoying parts of daily existence.

Measured from August to August, we’ve had massive upheaval as a family. We sold a house in Alberta and bought a townhouse in BC. Jason started a new job. We lived with my in-laws for two months. Ava and William changed schools and left their friends behind. Nearly everything looks different a year later.

But it’s my internal changes that have shocked me the most. Fundamentally, I am different. The specific insecurities and fears that I have wrestled with forever have been sublimated and conquered. Surviving those long, lonely days in the hospital when I was getting worse and not better showed me what I’m truly made of. I proved something to myself that I couldn’t talk myself into; I had to live it out, minute by minute, under adverse circumstances in order to put this worthiness garbage to bed once and for all.

I didn’t get a choice about how sick I was last summer and how shitty the timing was, with Jason working in BC and most of my friends out of town for the August long weekend. But I can honestly say, one year later, just how grateful I am for what I learned in that dark corner bed at the Peter Lougheed Hospital in Calgary.

Deciding not to feel less-than and unworthy of love any more was lesson number one. Recognizing that Jason, Ava and William are the most important people in my life was lesson number two. And finally seeing that I am capable and strong was lesson number three.

Each of these lessons has drastically improved the daily quality of my life. I’m no longer lost in a fog of longing for what I do not have or regret for what I cannot go back and change. Now I’m choosing to stay present, with those I love and with the exciting possibilities present in each day I’m alive, knowing that I am enough for any challenge or setback that comes my way.

This confidence is foreign and yet so welcome and inspiring. I am enough. And so are you. 

Living as if anything else is true is to waste precious time. Let’s stop doing that. It’s as simple as making a decision. Decide what is most important to you, who is most important to you, and know that you are competent for any task that comes your way. It’s life changing.

In Culture, Identity, Nurture, Personal Growth, Relationships

Hold Loosely

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
Hold Loosely

I know I’m on the wrong road when I begin to forecast outcomes for the things I really desire. I roll them around in my mind like cotton candy in a drum, thinking, “And then this will happen, and then this!” until I have it all planned out and now I just have to wait for it to unfold in reality.

But then it doesn’t go my way. And I’m disappointed, but I was never guaranteed any of those magical outcomes. I simply talked myself into them and then I have to deal with the extreme disappointment I feel.

Holding loosely is a much healthier alternative. I wish it came more naturally to me, but for those of us who were raised in less-than-stellar homes, fantasy thinking is one of our go-to strategies for survival.

I know that taking things as they come is a better operating mode. It requires me to live in each moment I’m in. The recovery movement has taught me that expectations are pre-meditated resentments and with my whole heart I know this to be true.

When I’m upset over a few situations I realize again that I’m failing when it comes to holding loosely. I become hurt and confused by the choices other people make and the grief in my chest reminds me that I’ve been clinging to my wishes with a death grip instead of playing it as it comes with open hands.

So I go back to the beginning. First things first. How important is it? Live and let live. Other people are not under my control. I can’t see everything that’s coming. This life is full of twists and turns. It’s healthier to react to what actually happens instead of forecasting a desired outcome that’s nothing more than fantasy.

No matter what our past habits have been, we can change. All we have to do is decide to do better from this point forward, and be gentle with ourselves when we fall back into our old patterns.

For me, I’m going to write HOLD LOOSELY on a piece of paper and put it up where I can see it every day. Hopefully this will help me to recall that both wonderful and terrible surprises happen constantly. It’s better not to be too attached to any one outcome or decision because it will likely shift and change on me.

If we stay present, open to a variety of possibilities instead of narrowly holding onto a set course of action, we give ourselves options. My words for 2017 are open, accepting, anchored. Holding loosely fits into all of these, particularly if the anchor is my true identity and not a specific circumstance.

I’d love to hear a story of how holding loosely has helped you. Any tips for me on how to practice this skill on a regular basis?

In Identity, Nurture, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationships, Writing

Open

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on

One of my 3 words for 2017 is OPEN. In the last couple of months, I’m living out this word and I’m head-over-heels in love with the results.

Being open means saying yes to what I really want, even when it scares me. It’s choosing to ignore that nasty little voice that whispers, “Are you kidding? You’ll never be able to do that. You aren’t qualified enough, smart enough, thin enough, confident enough, brave enough.”

I’m coming to understand that the people I admire who accomplish amazing things all struggle with these crises of self-doubt before they take action. But they move forward anyway. I’m 44 years old. If I’m lucky, I’m at the halfway point of my life and I’m done with sitting back, playing safe and regretting the missed chances I’m too timid to take.

Now I’m saying yes to the things I most want to accomplish and no to almost everything that doesn’t move me toward those big goals. This means being intentional about my time and choosing not to worry if someone is offended when I’ve said no.

Crystallizing my priorities has helped me to be happier and allowed me to stay open to the truly good people and experiences in my life. I was blocked from enjoying them before because the longing for what I DIDN’T have was just too strong.

Now I’ve reversed this. I’m clearer about what I need to do on any given day to move my priority projects forward. Everything else I can let go of. Every one of us can only do so much with our days and our resources. I’ve decided to be content with the choices I make and tell myself that what I’m accomplishing really is good enough.

Since my appendix rupture last summer and our subsequent move to another province, I know who really matters to me and who doesn’t. And I choose to spend my time with those who enrich my life and make me laugh. I encourage them and they reciprocate that joy and gratitude back to me.

It’s so lovely to actually enjoy my life and my decisions. The word open is beautiful because it’s expansive, inclusive, generous and caring. It doesn’t close itself off, the way I used to as a defence mechanism.

As always, this kind of inside work is never finished. It lurches along – messy, uneven, unpredictable and ripe with vulnerability. Sometimes I fall flat on my face. I get unreasonably pissed off by small things and the zen outlook I’m trying to cultivate flies out the window. But other times, the openness is like a window left open in my soul, where the cool breeze enters and leaves the whole place refreshed and renewed.

In Culture, Identity, Minimalism, Nurture, Personal Growth, Relationships

Sit With It

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on

Are you overwhelmed by stress? Do you feel frustrated, sad, scared, hopeless or some mix of these elements? You don’t have to fix it. Try SWIT: sit with it.

It’s my new philosophy. I used to rush in so hard to every emotion, situation, relationship or problem I faced. I had the solution, dammit, and I’d make it fit no matter what.

One of the great benefits of getting older is not giving so many shits about what isn’t actually my business. And even when it is my business, I’m not God and I often can’t see the forest for the trees, so when I hurry a fix to a complicated issue, I’m making it worse instead of better.

Try it. Simply sit with what is bugging you.

Weight

Feel fat? So do I. Rather than obsessing or shaming or radically changing your diet or exercise plan, just sit with it for a little while. Allow it to be near you. Notice why it bothers you. Don’t fix it. Sit with it.

It works like meditation does: by slowing down and cutting across the mental noise we experience every day. Ever notice how much bigger and harder something seems when you are trying not to focus on it? The SWIT plan invites the worry, person, concept or problem in rather than forcing it out.

Speak gently to the areas that bother you the most. Allow your fear to come and sit with you. Offer it a place (let’s be honest, it has one anyway, and when you don’t acknowledge the terror it only takes up more of your mental space) and show it some grace and love. You don’t have to interact with it or make it disappear. Soothe it. Breathe through it until you achieve a bit of comfort with it so close to you.

This idea of sitting with what makes me uncomfortable has really moved the needle forward on my ability to love myself. It’s given me a practical way to extend care to my wounded heart. I’m working on loving my body, exactly as it is right now, thirty pounds more than I want it to be, and simply sitting with it and offering no judgement or solutions has been so freeing.

Technology

Most of us live like scared rabbits in 2017. Technology has taken over and we are held tightly in its iron fist. Turning off our digital devices requires a heroic amount of courage. Many times I fail to do what I long to do (hit the off button). I’m practicing SWIT with my technology, too. The addiction is so big – too far gone to fix it with one simple measure. Breathing, closing my eyes and inviting my dependence on my technology to be near me is enough for now.

People

When I struggle with another person, I’m trying to use the SWIT idea to bring them near. Alone, I summon them in a soft voice and tell them why I’m hurt or upset. I practice wishing them well and extending the type of care and affection I have no problem offering to those I love.

I speak in a reassuring voice, saying, “It will be all right. We’re going to make it through this.” I know that this is for me and not for them, but it helps to smooth out the rough edges in our next interaction. While I’m sitting with people who bug me, I also remember to remind myself that I’m not responsible for their side of our relationship – only mine.

When we acknowledge what frightens us, we immediately loosen its grip. Bring it slowly into the light. Break the secrecy and the shame that blooms in the dark like a fungus. Anything that hurts you, learn to sit with it until you can begin to work with it.

Baby steps are required. But strength comes when we talk openly about what matters, what injures our souls, what steals our precious time, attention and resources. I’m learning to sit with the hard stuff, without giving in to the pressure I feel to have the answers and the solutions. Anyone joining me in my mission to SWIT?