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In Culture, Minimalism, Nurture, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationships

Content

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
Content

It’s no small thing to be content. To stop pursuing happiness in order to recognize, just for a moment, that you are already happy.

Everyone’s life is made up of seasons. Some are sweet, and others are agony. One month can feel like a year, slogging through shoulder-high mud, and the next can fly by in a blur of ordinary days. And yet some seasons are special in undefined ways, where we are lucky enough to see that it’s all going to plan and we laugh quite a bit and our days and nights are mostly smooth sailing.

I feel like we’re in one of those sweet seasons right now. We are out of the demanding little-kid stage and the teenaged years have not brought the promised wreckage others predicted in doomsday tones. We enjoy spending time with our kids and I love seeing the daily fruit of our number one parenting motto: Don’t Be An Asshole.

To me, contentment means not longing for something other than what you have. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point, with practices like daily meditation to help me stay anchored in the present moment along with careful boundaries in my relationships making a big difference to my calm state of being.

Some of this is just a decision. My pursuit of happiness was never-ending and exhausting, so I decided to simply be happy instead. To want less instead of having more. To go simpler when the rest of the world is complex. To create beauty inside of myself and cultivate it so that it blooms. To need less from other people and ask for more from myself.

It’s really damn good. We are capable of so much more than we think. When we push past fear, a whole new existence is on the other side. For a lifelong people-pleaser, to truly not care what others think of me or my parenting or my friendship choices or my work or my weight or my fashion is unbelievably liberating. It’s a kind of freedom I couldn’t have conceived of a decade ago. And now I’m living it and not interested in asking for anyone’s permission or approval.

When we can live as ourselves in a world that works hard to get us to be something inauthentic, we have traveled a great distance toward contentment. Anything that takes you further from your intuitive self and invites negative energy into your safe space can be abandoned. I’m learning not to put myself in so many uncomfortable situations. Life is precious and important and sacred. I make my decisions with that in mind now.

Trying to make other people happy is a dead-end road. It’s not a good goal. Figure out what you need, first and foremost, and design your life around that. The people you love most will benefit indirectly from your contentment and healthy choices. Simplify wherever possible. Your time and energy is valuable. Don’t spend it on people who give nothing back to you but stress and frustration. You simply do not have to live that way. All you need is the word “no” and you’ll be free.

Contentment is a worthy goal. Invest in whatever gets you closer. If you are moving further away, look at your decisions and see where you went wrong. And it’s okay if not everyone is happy with you, as long as you are happy yourself.

In Culture, Identity, Minimalism, Nurture, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized

Enough Time

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
Enough Time

Over the holiday season, a number of things occurred to teach me this one overall lesson: I HAVE ENOUGH TIME. 

Are you weary of feeling like a rat on a wheel, running to catch up with some goals you’ve set that you haven’t achieved yet?

Me too.

Or have you been putting pressure on yourself to master certain accomplishments and when you don’t, the sense of failure comes rushing in to knock the breath out of you?

Me too.

But here’s the thing: we have enough time. If balance is an important state for all of us (and it is), then placing equal weight on our key relationships and the many steps it takes us to reach our biggest dreams has to factor higher in our informal life satisfaction surveys.

So here’s a radical thought for 2018. What if we are not behind at all? How about making peace with the idea that we are right on time, for everything we have going on currently and all of the areas we are striving towards for the future?

Enough time. What a glorious concept. This morning, I happened across this delightful post by the superb human being that is Liza Palmer (whom I had the pleasure of meeting last fall at the Surrey International Writers’ Conference) about how we have to change our definitions of success and meaning so we see that they are everywhere. It’s exactly what I needed to read to strengthen my resolve.

My hard drive crashed in my MacBook over New Years and after a brief panic attack and then an offer of tech support from my friend Ben in Alberta, I realized that life without a laptop is completely do-able. Now I have it back in working order (thank you, Ben!) and I’m actually grateful for that stretch without it, for I feel like I woke up from a strange co-dependent technology relationship and could properly see my life and the people in it again.

Rushing around and feeling stressed is not our optimum setting as human beings. We are meant for so much more than that. Getting enough sleep, prioritizing our calendars and to-do lists, eating well, meditating, reading and resting, playing board games with our kids, saying no to what we don’t want to do, going for an impromptu Menchie’s frozen yogurt for absolutely no reason…these are the moments we remember. They make us feel fully alive.

Life is not a race to some finish line we’ve set. It’s a meandering hike where we have time to pick flowers, marvel at the sunset and share a laugh with someone we adore. Let’s make 2018 the year where we have enough time for what really matters.

How are you going to structure your life so you feel like you have enough time?

In Culture, Identity, Movies/TV, Nurture, Relationships

The Last Jedi

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
The Last Jedi

I’ve taken 2017 off from writing movie reviews, but The Last Jedi was such an emotional experience that I find myself longing to write about it.

Don’t worry if you haven’t seen it (although you really should go now!) as I don’t do plot spoilers. Don’t listen to the crabby haters online who are moaning about how Episode VIII should be wiped from the Star Wars canon (thank you, internet criticism, for creating a group of angry “fans” who demand a creative product meet their specific demands like it’s SO simple and easy to make a successful blockbuster franchise movie). Go see it for yourself and decide.

The Last Jedi is truly a stunning achievement. It’s packed with all of the action true fans long for, plus a host of witty, silly quips and special moments that linger in your mind long after the final credits roll. But more than that, this instalment gives us even more women as leaders worthy of respect (hooray!) and some deep explorations of complicated and important subjects.

This movie does not shy away from topics like the devastating effects of our rabid fame culture, honest questions about identity and belonging, the punishing personal cost of war, corporate greed ravishing the environment and the ever-widening soul-crushing gap between the wealthy and the poor. I love it when I can sink my teeth into these relevant issues and engage my kids in a lengthy morality debate on the way home from the cinema.

Our world is a broken place. The Last Jedi mirrors much of this sorrow in a relatable yet still entertaining fashion. Luke Skywalker, always my favourite from the original trilogy, is back here but damaged, older and considerably more fearful than we’ve seen him before.

Rey, a hero I adored in The Force Awakens, found Skywalker at the end of Episode VII and is desperate to learn what she can from him. But Master Luke is an unwilling teacher, pushing Rey toward Ben Solo, the tortured son of Han and Leia who has turned to the dark side. This connection between “good” and “evil” moved me deeply, particularly the image of Rey trying to answer the nagging question of who she really is and where she comes from.

Each one of us has the power to write our own story. If we don’t like our past, we possess the ability to change our present so that our future becomes something different. Nothing special is required for this. Only bravery. That’s the central message of The Last Jedi, and it’s one we need desperately at this precarious moment of human history.

Go see this movie. Return to a time when you went to see a cinematic story unfold without a thousand other voices in your head telling you what’s wrong with it. Simply go and be entertained. For me, The Last Jedi is powerful, hopeful, beautiful, stirring, emotional, satisfying. We need peace, purpose and courage to light our path, now more than ever.

May the force be with us, always.

In Culture, Nurture, Relationships

Difficult People

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
Difficult People

What do you do when people annoy you? We’ve all got someone (count yourself lucky if it’s only one person!) or it’s always possible that we are the difficult people for others to manage.

As we come into the festive holiday season, tensions are sure to rise and situations can become heated in a hurry. This is part of being alive. To be human is to be make mistakes, to deal with mess, to feel irritated by both small and big things that other people do or say.

I’ve been ruminating on the issue of difficult people lately, and thought I would boil down a few of my strategies in case they offer any comfort to others. Here are five ways I handle people who routinely drive me around the bend:

Use Body Language

Words can quickly get us into trouble with confrontational or difficult people, but our body language can speak for us. Try stiffening your shoulders if someone offends you. Raise your eyebrows. Purse your lips. Turn away slightly. If you can, get up and leave the room.

These are all clues to perhaps help the person recognize that you are uncomfortable/pissed off/annoyed. Maybe, just maybe, they will notice and adjust their behaviour.

Set an Example

I always strive to have my own words and actions meet my high standard of conduct – the one I set for other people that they often fail to meet. I can’t do much about others interrupting, shouting, saying inflammatory political or religious statements, allowing their kids to run wild and be disrespectful, etc, but I can do my best to ensure my own behaviour adheres to my moral code and doesn’t violate the social contract that governs our public interactions.

Hold their Dignity Intact

In my presentation on developing emotional resilience, I talk about the goal of holding each person’s dignity front and centre in our interactions. I admit that it’s much easier to do this when the other person is kind, humble and low-maintenance, but it’s a great goal for the difficult, exhausting ones. Even if you grit your teeth and clench your fists, remember that everyone deserves to be treated with dignity.

Find the Positive

This is tricky for me. When someone is irritating the hell out of me, I find it challenging to locate any of their redeeming qualities. But try making a mental list. Does she volunteer for a charity board? Does he help his kid with homework? Everyone has some positive traits, even if you have to dig pretty far to find them.

Cope However you Can

Pour a drink. Listen to music. Eat a delicious slice of apple pie. Step outside and look at the stars for five minutes to regain some perspective. Vent to your private journal. Go hug someone you adore who is pleasant to be around and tell her how much you appreciate her.

Count your blessings and remember that difficult people are all around us, but you are in charge of who you spend your time with. Choose wisely.

In Minimalism, Nurture, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationships, Writing

Moving Things Forward

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
Moving Things Forward

Do you ever get overwhelmed at the enormity of tasks in front of you? Try this strategy: Moving Things Forward (or MTF for short if you enjoy acronyms, which I do).

Every day, try to think in terms of moving a project forward. Do one or two things that will help you inch closer to your goal. Over a month and then a year, these little steps add up to large progress.

In my case, when I go a day without writing, I usually go to bed feeling ticked off that I didn’t get any words down. Even when I do sit down to write for an hour or two, often I feel irritated (at best, morose at worst) that I didn’t accomplish more.

But when I sit down at the end of my day and look at all of the areas where I did move things forward, even in small ways, it can add up to much more than I realize. I’ve been using my journal for this purpose, in a type of success tally, and it’s really increased my ability to feel as if I’m accomplishing something on a daily basis.

How about you? What are all the ways you are Moving Things Forward in your life? Break it down into specific categories (family, career, friends, hobbies, leisure, vacation, etc.). Booked a babysitter? A haircut for next week? Sent a friend a text to say you are thinking about her? Browsed vacation possibilities for this summer? Researched something that will help you in your work? Watched an episode of Mindhunter or Stranger Things? (Awesome, you are moving toward finishing these excellent series).

Every one of these are examples of moving things forward. I’m working on thinking smaller with my day-to-day existence. The small things, done well, do eventually add up to become the big things. This also gives me significant breathing room to enjoy my life as its unfolding. Progress, each day, in specific areas will eventually get you where you most want to go.

I’d love to hear a story of how Moving Things Forward is working for you!