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In Identity, Movies/TV, Nurture, Parenting

When Dreams Don’t Die

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
When Dreams Don’t Die

Some dreams don’t die because they aren’t supposed to. They live on, growing silently in us until one day they bloom again and we remember how exquisitely we once longed for this particular wish to come true.

I’m learning acceptance right now. It’s one of my three words to focus on in 2017 and it’s a beautiful experience simply to practice accepting what comes without forcing it or coaxing circumstances to go my way. What happens is what is meant to happen, or so I finally believe in my experience as much as my verbiage, and the freedom inside of this discovery is as sweet as nectar.

This week I worked as an extra on a big TV series shot in Vancouver. All day, from my brutally early 6 am call until I was wrapped in the late afternoon, I felt like I was waking up to a dream that had become dormant but never really went away. I was able to access a much-younger version of myself through the experience, waving at her through the years to say, “I see you and now I can reach you.”

I’ve loved the film industry my entire life, writing screenplays since I was in my teens and sort of hanging around on the fringes of this life I dreamed of but couldn’t quite access. Now, somehow, I’m 44 years old and my almost 14-year-old daughter is pursuing an acting career and I’ve found myself back where I always wanted to be.

Our biggest dreams are always worth pursuing. But at certain times in our lives, other people and circumstances take priority and we don’t have the time or the resources or the abilities to go after our heart’s desire. No matter how many years go by, however, the flame is still burning inside of us for those things we are meant to do, and when we find ourselves touching that dream again it’s like a bit of pure magic.

I felt that this week. I remembered how much I loved filmmaking in my student days and for the glorious six days I worked on the TriStar lot in Culver City as a Production Assistant on a feature film. A lot of other worthy pursuits have occupied me from those days until now, 25 years later, but the profound joy of walking out this beautiful dream has never fully left me. It burst back into life when I was on set doing my part to make the scenes we shot sparkle and shine.

As Ava and I move through some exciting steps in her growing career, I feel a deep, abiding peace and gratitude. Big dreams are for everyone. They are not for a select few with talents beyond the rest of us. They are for anyone brave enough to simply go for it, no matter what the end result turns out to be.

The journey truly is the reward (as so many people have said to me but I never really understood until this year). When you choose to live in the present moment, refusing to forecast the future or stress out about what’s done and finished, you get to absorb each day as the fresh gift it is. Anything is possible. Your dreams are not as far away as you thought.

So if you have a big dream that you’ve veered far away from, remember that the pilot light for that hope is still burning in your soul. When the time is right, it will be there for you again, and you’ll recognize its warmth and light. You’ll be flooded with joy and renewed optimism. Suddenly you’ll be certain that it’s not too late. As long as you are alive, you can make your dreams come true provided you believe that you are worth the effort and you don’t give up.

In Culture, Identity, Nurture, Parenting, Personal Growth

Be Bold for Change

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
Be Bold for Change

Wednesday, March 8th is International Women’s Day and the theme for 2017 is Be Bold for Change. My almost 14-year-old daughter Ava spent time this weekend creating a poster for her school for this important day. The slogan she came up with? I’d rather shatter a glass ceiling than fit into a glass slipper.

BOOM. I’m so proud to be her mother. Frankly, I’m pissed right off that we are still talking about how women should be paid the same as men and receive the same basic human rights as men. We are 17 years into a new millennium, and yet as a world we continue to struggle when it comes to equality, inclusivity and justice for those who did not happen to be born as white men.

This year, I plan to be bold. And when my courage falters, I will look to Ava and her friends, for they will carry this torch on far beyond me. They will not accept the double standard that I’ve seen far too often. They will speak up and be bold and call out the hypocrisy they witness. I’m convinced they will finally get us a fairer world.

Women have issued a challenge on Wednesday to go on strike, in an effort to prove that a Day Without a Woman has a huge impact. I’m all for this concept. I hope it works. As a continuation of the global outcry after the U.S. inauguration that resulted in enormous women’s marches in cities all around the world, I’d love to see this strike concept fly.

But I also know that real, lasting change comes slowly and it starts in individual hearts. Rob Bell recently spoke about the need for a counter narrative to unite those marching and protesting. This message struck a resonant chord for me. What is our counter narrative?

It has to centre on love and peace, the way the women’s march did. But it also needs a bit of fire and boldness to it, like this strike is calling for. I’m grateful that smarter people than me are involved in these matters. Something is crying out in my heart and I don’t yet know exactly what it is.

When I watched Ava hunched over her poster in her bedroom, I felt like weeping. From pride but also an intense grief, that this world is such a damn broken mess for her. I yearn for beauty, kindness, understanding, intelligent discourse, friendship and acceptance. And yet what we are mired in this year is anger, misogyny, racism, cruelty, ignorance and bitter division. I want to believe we are better than this.

Let it begin with me. All change comes from this place. We do not see the world as it is, we see it how we are. So I must be love, peace, gender equality, authenticity and warmth. I must choose hope in spite of my fear and sadness. I must seek out light, for a few brave candles can light up the darkest night. Now is the time to believe that goodness will prevail, especially when we see little evidence of it.

This Wednesday, let’s reach out to one another and say, “I see you and I support you.” Let’s be generous with our kind words and our smiles. Let’s be bold for change and shatter glass ceilings instead of slippers. Let’s do it together, for as a group we are more powerful and effective. Let’s build our counter narrative. We were born for such a time as this.

In Culture, Identity, Minimalism, Nurture, Personal Growth, Relationships, Speaking

Anchored

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
Anchored

For 2017, the three words I wanted to focus on were: open, accepting and anchored. The first two months of this new year are drawing to a close, and I would say that I’ve had a lot of opportunities to focus on being anchored.

I’m working hard on staying in the present moment. I’ve traveled a lot in February, flying to Alberta three times to present at teachers’ conventions in Edmonton and Calgary. Ava’s acting career has also been heating up with lots of auditions and some bookings for film and commercials. This has kept me busy, but in a good way, not a frantic one.

When you have a lot of balls up in the air, it really helps to take each day as it comes instead of worrying about the next day. Each one has enough challenges and excitement in it. I used to live so much in my mind, stressing out over things that were way down the road. This business of anchoring in to each present moment is so much better for my overall sense of life satisfaction.

Meditation has been a huge help to me since the beginning of January. I downloaded Insight Timer to my phone, a free app with lots of guided meditations to choose from on a variety of topics. It’s free (which I love) and setting aside ten to fifteen minutes each morning to indulge in meditation has calmed my mind and my soul more than I ever dreamed possible.

It’s not an overstatement to say that I feel like a completely different person. One that can handle uncertainty and short timelines much better than before. I can now roll with the punches and I’ve accepted that it’s fine not to have the next twenty steps neatly mapped out. It’s enough to know what I’m doing at this moment and have a vague idea of the next step. Anything beyond that feels too stressful.

Anchoring myself is a wonderful gift. I credit meditation as the number one change I’ve made in the last two months, but also simply fine-tuning my awareness and working at calming myself when I’m anxious has made a big difference to the overall peace I’m experiencing. Sometimes we need a scary illness like I had this summer to properly crystallize what matters and be finally able to let go of what hangs us up and  never really served us.

My need to control has been a lifelong habit, strangling me without me being aware of how hampering it was. But now I’ve learned a better way of coping, one that involves kind words to myself and to others around me, plus a clear understanding that I am in charge of very little in this life. And that’s okay. It’s up to me to keep my mind sharp and clear, to push out of the way all of the little irritations and time-wasters that conspire to steal my joy.

I’m feeling grounded, anchored, held. I can easily admit I don’t have all the answers. In fact, I have very few of them. But it’s really fine. No one has all the answers. If they say they do, they are lying to cover up their overall anxiety level. Gentleness works better. So does staying in the moment. Having a sense of humour helps too.

Worrying about tomorrow truly does rob today of its happiness. I’m not going to do that anymore. I’m staying here, right now, and noticing what’s in me and around me. What a difference this change has made to the quality of my days and my willingness to try new and challenging things.

In Nurture, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationships

What True Love Looks Like

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
What True Love Looks Like

Okay, it’s Valentine’s Day, and I admit that I’m feeling a little gooey and squishy about those I love today. Like many people in middle age, I’ve seen all kinds of love and I think I finally have a handle on what makes love true instead of false.

Real love doesn’t manipulate, force, cajole, beg or bully. It is kind at its heart and forgiving when things go wrong (which is often). True love is rare in this world, because it is freely given and freely received, with no strings attached. Most love doesn’t work like this. It’s transactional in nature, but that’s an exchange, not a gift.

I’ve been married to Jason now for almost nineteen years. I’d happily do it all over again, even with every up and down we’ve faced. We are both completely different people now than when we met, but at our core, the love and generosity we have shown to one another has grown instead of faded.

When you add in two kids, our love life has a different shape and texture to it now, but it doesn’t feel diminished. We’ve added children and cats into our family’s recipe and our day-to-day experience is sweeter as a result. But that doesn’t mean it’s been easy. Nothing worthwhile and lasting is ever simple and straightforward. We fight for what we want most and that makes the reward of what we have built even better.

Here’s my short Valentine’s list of what true love looks like for me:

Kindness

First and foremost, kindness is key. Jason and I both work at treating each other with basic dignity, respect and courtesy. Some days this is hard, but it’s always worth it. One day a few years ago, I realized with a shock that I was often kinder to the barista at Starbucks or a stranger in a store than I was to the man I pledged to spend my life with. So I try to keep this quality front and centre in my home interactions.

Laughter

Life without laughing is not much fun. Happily, Jason and I like to make each other laugh and it’s a successful ingredient in our marriage. It’s not an exaggeration to say that we laugh, quite wildly, at least once a day and usually more. We aim to crack each other up as often as possible and this quality is like oil to grease the wheels of our relationship and keep it moving smoothly forward.

Generosity

For me, this means putting others’ needs ahead of my own from time to time. I don’t always do this, nor do I think it’s necessarily healthy to do this exclusively. As Anne Lamott says, “Now I take my turn and it’s a radical act.” But we live in a selfish world, so every single time I choose those I love over myself it’s a way to demonstrate my love through action, which means so much more than just words.

Commitment

One of the most precious aspects of a long-term marriage is that your commitment is demonstrated on a daily basis. It doesn’t matter how many years you are together if they are mostly drudgery, but if they are peaceful, comfortable and safe, it’s at least partly because you are both committed to each other. This means I choose Jason over every other man on earth and he chooses me over every other woman. Not once, but every single day we are alive.

Forgiveness

We’d never make it if we didn’t forgive each other. Jason and I have both committed to say, “I’m sorry” on a regular basis when we’ve behaved badly. We model this for our kids and it’s often challenging and wounding to our pride, but the vulnerability we demonstrate thaws the air between us and keeps our relationship warm and stable. We promised in our vows “to forgive and be forgiven” as both are equally difficult and we get a lot of practice in this area.

Space

Space to grow and be who we really are, without conforming to any mold or expected form, is one of the biggest gifts we give to each other. True love is always free. It doesn’t demand or hold grudges or resentments. It recognizes that room and air and light is required for growth and that healthy people continue to change and evolve as long as they are alive. Jason and I give this space willingly to each other and it’s one of my absolute favourite things about us as a couple.

In Culture, Identity, Nurture, Personal Growth, Speaking, Writing

Showing Up is Brave

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
Showing Up is Brave

Often we think it’s the big gesture that counts as bravery, but it’s not. Showing up is enough. It means we are invested in developing our own courage and that we care enough to be present with other people.

My beloved hero Anne Lamott says, “The people who show up are inevitably the right ones.” The older I get, the more strongly I adhere to this truth. When life is hard and we feel beaten down, we demonstrate bravery when we simply show up.

This week I fly to Edmonton to present three sessions at a teachers’ convention (the first of three I will be speaking at this February and March). I love speaking, particularly when the message I’m delivering is one I believe to the core of my soul, but that doesn’t mean my knees won’t still knock together when I stand in front of 200+ teachers and attempt to keep them engaged and interested for an hour.

When I feel nervous, I repeat Rob Bell’s mantra, “Butterflies mean you are in the game.” I’m challenging myself by submitting speaking proposals all over the place and when I get offered contracts, I have to believe that just showing up is what I’m called to do. It’s brave enough just to do the best I can.

I adore the song in La La Land that Emma Stone’s character sweetly sings for courage in one key audition scene. She sings, “Here’s to the ones who dream, foolish as they may seem, here’s to the hearts that ache, here’s to the mess we make.” So incredibly beautiful, inspiring and true to my experience.

It’s normal for our hearts to ache and for our dreams to seem impossibly big and hard to achieve. But when we take small steps toward our highest hopes and aspirations, these moments are for celebrating. I’m really working on it being enough, exactly as the journey unfolds, instead of keening for better, different, more extravagant.

Does it seem easier just to show up? It does to me, for it means that the analysis of what I’m presenting or writing or creating is not up to me. The audience gets to decide if it meets their needs or fails to meet their expectations. My part of the bargain is to be prepared, to show up and say what I have to say. I’m going to trust that it’s enough.

If you have something to do that scares you, know that you are on the right track. You can do the things you don’t think you are ready for. You’ll never feel completely ready. At a certain point, you have to jump. This is how you stave off boredom and stagnation – you follow your curiosity and stay ahead of your own comfort level. That’s the growing zone. It’s where we feel most alive.

Try it. Believe that you will have what it takes at the moment you are thrust into the challenging situation. You won’t have any assurances while you are thinking about it and preparing for it. You’ll just have to trust that you will be up to the task. That’s what I’m doing, and so far it’s working. Showing up is brave. It feels like soaring when you’ve proven to yourself that you do, indeed, have what it takes.