Julianne Harvey

In Nurture, Personal Growth, Speaking, Writing

Lost

Julianne HarveyNovember 1, 2017

I’m feeling lost. After a surge of excitement and scheduling after a big writers’ conference, I’m now floundering with so many possible projects to pursue and no clear direction on what should be the top priority.

Do you ever feel that way? Rudderless, slightly adrift, believing that it will all make sense eventually but for now you simply exist in a fog of too much of everything.

The cure, in the past, has been to embrace my frail humanity. To acknowledge that I am not a machine. Perhaps the worst part of being lost is the shame associated with our humanity. I want to feel like a world-beater, not a sad, confused person making my way through the dark on my own.

Life is made up of seasons. Some are bright, clear, happy. Others are murky, painful, baffling. Extending grace for the hard times certainly helps. I don’t have trouble offering love and nurture to those around me who are suffering, but when it’s me, the rules seem to change.

Eventually, the light will shine again and I’ll have a better sense of where I’m heading. I suppose I simply have to wait for that, and do the best I can in the meantime. Gentleness is the key here. Inching forward toward your goals, little by little, is better than no movement at all. After so many years of struggling with patience, you’d think it would begin to come easier. And yet it remains elusive.

I stayed after my creative writing class to chat with my professor about the number of projects I’m working on. She encouraged me to narrow my goals to four things and write them on an index card. I had a terribly hard time getting the list to four. I initially cheated and wrote eight by using slashes, essentially creating two categories out of one line.

After looking at this card for a few days, I realized there was too much on it. I worked at it again, creating four clear categories in my work life. Suddenly it was a little bit clearer, but I still feel overwhelmed.

What helps you when you feel lost? Do you wait it out? I’d love to hear any of your strategies.

In Personal Growth, Speaking, Writing

The Year of Productivity

Julianne HarveyOctober 25, 2017

I attended the Surrey International Writers’ Conference this past weekend for the first time and came away inspired and dejected, in equal measure, with a healthy dose of “It’s time to up my productivity game” thrown in.

The inspiration flowed abundantly throughout the three days of the conference. I went to a session on setting with the marvellous Eileen Cook that gave me an entirely new way to understand writing the emotions of a place. I attended two panels comprised of editors and agents, one for pitching and the other for querying, and came away with tons of fresh ideas.

My favourite workshop was taught by Liza Palmer, one of the funniest and most charming people I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. She gave me loads of helpful screenwriting techniques that I can instantly use in everything that I write.

But then there was the dejection. One early afternoon session, titled SiWC Idol, consisted of literary agents listening to the first pages of writers in attendance. The agents would throw up their hands when they wanted to stop reading. When half of the panel had their hands in the air, the moderator (the entertaining and debonair Jack Whyte) would stop and the panel would offer critiques.

It was a bloodbath. The gatekeepers of the literary world want top-notch work and may only give you two sentences to prove you’ve got what they’re looking for before they move on to the next writer.

It can be overwhelming.

When I came home, I needed a few days to let it all settle in, then I created a colour-coded spreadsheet, which I dubbed “The Year of Productivity.” It’s a business plan, of sorts, for the rest of this school year.

I broke it down by writing projects, general writing goals and what I need to do for my speaking career. I took the big areas (blue sky – thank you, Liza Palmer!) and broke them down into individual steps (i.e. finish first draft by writing 15 pages per week, outline series bible, adapt feature screenplay into a short for competitions, rewrite agent query, etc.). Each item has a month when it needs to be completed.

I feel reborn with this 2 page spreadsheet. So often we get stalled because we don’t know what to focus on or our goals become too broad and overwhelming. It really helps to see it all listed out on paper, with actual deadlines. I’ve highlighted this month’s action items in blue and I change them to red when each item is completed.

I printed a copy and put it in my writing binder. Now I have something to keep me on the straight and narrow, and I can add to it or amend as necessary. Thank you, SiWC, for the much-needed kick in the ass to help me get where I most want to go. One day I’ll be presenting there.

How about you? What does your year of productivity look like?

In Culture

Me Too

Julianne HarveyOctober 18, 2017October 18, 2017

When “Me too” began trending on social media this week as a response to the horrific allegations of sexual abuse by Harvey Weinstein specifically and Hollywood in general, I loved the idea of revealing how widespread this issue is but hesitated to participate myself.

In a display of personal gaslighting, I thought, “What’s happened to me is minor compared to what other women have had to endure.” But when a friend of mine shared her story on Facebook, I commented that ALL our stories of harassment and sexism matter. That’s the point of the whole damn thing – to say “me too” so we can continue the conversation because cultural patriarchy has become so widespread that we fail to notice it for the evil that it is.

I grew up in a conservative evangelical Christian setting. I went to church every Sunday, Bible Study on Wednesday, youth group on Friday, church camp in the summer…you get the idea. I lived and breathed patriarchy and sexism. I was taught that God is the leader, and he is male, so therefore in the human realm, the man is king.

This flawed ideology has caused untold pain and suffering in our world. Words like “submit” and “obey” were used regularly in my Christian school and church environments for the relationship a woman was to have with a man. A woman was to be quiet, sweet, giving and gentle. She was not supposed to have her own ideas or disagree with a man.

In the last few years, I’ve completely abandoned the evangelical Christian world. A number of factors went into this decision, but the rampant sexism and racism present in this patriarchal system is now abhorrent to me. I’ve been hurt by it in more ways than I can count and I will not participate in it anymore. I truly believe that the whole thing must crumble so that something new and fair and equal can grow in its place.

One example of physical harassment came at the age of 17 at what used to be called Klondike Days in Edmonton. I was walking with a group of friends when several drunk men, about fifteen years older than us, catcalled loudly as they approached. We tried to ignore them, but one of them grabbed my crotch as he walked by. It hurt physically and stung emotionally. That happened nearly thirty years ago and yet I feel ashamed and embarrassed to recount it now.

What gives a man the right to physically assault a woman in a public place? Or a private one? The answer is: THE SYSTEM. They have the power to do what they want, and this is why the system must change.

I love the idea behind the “Me too” hashtag. It shows frightened and angry women that we are not alone. It provides hope that safety can be found in numbers. It also reveals how huge this problem of toxic masculinity and power abuse really is.

While we’re at it, let’s do a couple of things immediately to give equality a fighting chance:

Stop Calling Women Girls

When a girl gets her period, she is no longer a girl. She is now a woman. Language matters and we don’t refer to a man with a mortgage, a job and children as a “boy”. If we want to be fair, stop calling women girls and even this part of the playing field.

Change Your Language Around Rape and Violence

As Jackson Katz brilliantly demonstrates below, stop using the passive voice when referring to “violence against women”.

Silence is Violence

Speak up, as a woman and as a man. When something is sexist or misogynist or unfair in any way, say something. Be brave and bold. This is how equality works – we cannot stay silent and hope for change. WE ARE THE CHANGE.

Keep up the good work, my friends. We can support and love each other through the pain and shame we have suffered. The “Me too” movement is beautiful and we need every voice in this fight. Don’t lose hope. I’m here and would love to hear your stories.

In Nurture, Personal Growth, Writing

This Rejection Place

Julianne HarveyOctober 10, 2017

Between what we long for and what we have there is generally a gap. This place is where our discontentment thrives.

I long for a traditional publishing contract. I’ve been querying, on and off, on a spiritual memoir for almost three years. A ton of rejection comes with this process. I knew it when I started. Getting a full manuscript request from an agent early on was exciting, only to be told she liked it but didn’t think she could sell it.

Two story contests came across my social media feed this summer that I decided to enter. I wrote the two best stories I possibly could and sent them off with high hopes. Neither one made the shortlist, bringing back those ugly doubts and fears, whispering all day and night to my spirit: “maybe you’re just not a good enough writer.”

It’s dark and lonely in this rejection place. My psyche feels wounded and lost, like a dark cave where you forever hear water dripping, a sound that will eventually drive you mad.

I handed in my first flash fiction story in my creative writing university class. I was really happy with it, once again telling myself that I couldn’t do any better at this stage of my life as a writer. I got glowing feedback on it but didn’t achieve the perfect grade I wanted. Once again, that voice in the cave was back, taunting me with my own worthlessness.

I do know that writing is subjective. Criticism is meant to improve our skills and we shouldn’t take it personally. Sometimes it’s easy to take a bird’s-eye view of the whole process and console yourself with the fact that at least you are in the game. I’m putting myself out there and trying for something, and the price is the inevitable rejection.

Time heals and takes away the sting. I will keep going, but today I will allow myself to wallow a little in the hurt and frustration. The real problem, as always, is my own damn expectations. I start to write a happy ending to a particular submission story, when I have no actual control over the tastes of the judges or teachers or agents or publishers.

I can only do what I can do, then I must let go of the outcome. Sounds easy, but it’s the hardest part of the whole process. When will I learn this? When will I finally improve at it?

Rejection will always hurt. But it doesn’t have to stop us or define us. Bumps in the road will never stop cropping up. It helps to remember that the people who matter in my life will love me no matter what happens.

The key to resilience is picking up my pen and writing another word, another sentence, another character. I have to believe that not quitting is what will get me to where I want to go, even if it takes way longer than I want it to.

In Culture, Identity, Nurture, Personal Growth, Relationships

October

Julianne HarveyOctober 3, 2017

I love October. Every year, it feels like a deepening of the new adventures ushered in by September. This month is about settling down, breathing in and out, bundling up in cozy sweaters, anticipating the upcoming holiday season, letting go of summer and preparing for the barrenness of winter.

The air smells fresh and clean, the leaves are changing hue and drifting lazily to the ground, pumpkins are in stores and scattered throughout patches, and the rain (in Vancouver) and snow (in Calgary) are beginning. For me, October is a quiet respite in between the seasons. It’s like a pause button, a reasonable place to stop and look around.

This October I’m adjusting to my new role as a part-time creative writing student, back at university after many years away. I’ve had four classes so far and I’ve proven to myself that I am equipped for this particular challenge. Talking about story arcs, symbolism and the inventive use of voice for two and a half hours turns out to be my idea of heaven.

Recently, I signed with an agent for background acting as I’ve dabbled in it this year and decided I wanted to do more. I feel energized by the idea of saying yes to things that once had the power to terrify me. One of the jobs I just did meant working through the night and skating for hours, an activity I can technically accomplish but practically have not done for over a decade.

And you know what? I rocked it. Sure, my feet were sore by 5 am and I felt tired and achy the next day, but all of that was totally worth it because I dared to say yes when my insecurity urged me to respond “Hell no.”

We can do more than we think we can. This life we have been given is not a dress rehearsal. It is happening, right here and right now, and as the great poet Ferris Bueller told us back in the mid-80s: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.”

October is for looking around and for gratitude (Canadians celebrate our Thanksgiving this weekend, hands down my fave holiday other than Christmas). It’s an invitation to examine our priorities, cherish the people who mean the most to us (do they know how much we love them?), and identify where our time and resources are going.

Use this month as a pause button. Take a look around. This is too good to miss.