Showing all posts tagged mistakes

In Identity, Nurture, Parenting, Personal Growth

My Son’s Gift

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
My Son’s Gift

William just celebrated his 11th birthday and I’ve been reflecting on how much our relationship has improved over the last 7 years.

I wrote extensively about the transformation in our relationship on my previous blog The Dream to Write (and some of it is covered in my essay collection Winter to Spring) but basically over a turbulent 6 month period when William was 4 and I was 37 we became restored to one other.

I just finished another edit of my unpublished manuscript Falling Backwards Into Grace and this section about William brings me to tears every time:

“William was the catalyst who forced me, kicking and screaming, to my knees. He eventually led me from performance to grace. My gratitude to my son is as limitless as the horizon of the sky; it goes on forever and will never reach an end, but of course I did not know that then.

In order to rebuild, we must first break down. When your faith and your worldview is built out of cards on quicksand like mine was, adding another flimsy layer will not address your mammoth foundation crisis. I had been adding more cards for so long that the whole structure was ready to collapse, and William’s personality was the match to light the flame and burn the whole useless thing to the ground.”

His refusal to bend to the pressure I placed on him saved me from my own invisible palace of denial, perfectionism and rage. He helped me warm up to my neglected personality qualities that had gone dormant but never fully disappeared. These qualities gave me back my authentic self.

I truly believe the best thing we can do as parents is to be open to truth, in any form, and be willing to let go of old ideas and fears that no longer add anything to our lives. This acceptance brings complete freedom, for it allows us to stop working for the approval of others and begin to finally own that right for ourselves.

William gave me this gift. It was the furthest thing from easy, but all lasting change brings agony at first. If you are in this kind of emotional pain right now, I urge you to keep going, for the only way out is through. Don’t retreat, longing for simpler shores. Keep trudging, for one day you will be different and so grateful you did not quit.

Happy Birthday, my wonderful boy. You’ve come a long way. I’m so proud of you. Marvellous things are ahead and I love that we will discover them together. I know that you can do hard things because I’ve seen you face them and conquer them already. It’s okay to be afraid. We are all afraid, but courage is your fear on the move.

If you are a parent, struggling with your beloved child, know that you are not alone. The meaning lives in the hardship and in the not knowing. Be open to owning your mistakes. Look for the truth beyond your limited interpretation of the events. Know that you and your kid are both good enough. You’ll make it through.

If you knew where William and I had once been – screaming at each other, fighting, fuming, accusing and blaming – you would be amazed at where we are now with our mother and son bond. Change and growth are entirely possible and I’m so thankful.

In Identity, Nurture, Parenting, Relationships

So Much to Celebrate

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
So Much to Celebrate

My daughter Ava is turning 14 and like most parents, I’m feeling nostalgic. It’s so easy to get lost in the memories of her big baby grin, how cute she looked in white Osh Kosh baby shoes and a pink-and-white striped dress, or fresh from a bath, snuggly and warm in her fuzzy footy sleepers.

All of these memories are good, but nostalgia is a fairly useless exercise. When we wallow too much in it, we miss what is right in front of us. A 14 year old is a radically different creature from an infant, or the eager 5 year old starting school, or the 10 year old crying about how mean some girls can be.

Ava is, of course, made up of every age she’s ever been, the way all of us are, but the job at hand is to celebrate her 14 year old self instead of pining for what’s now in the past. And there is so much to celebrate.

She was such an easy baby, toddler, young child and older child that many people said to me, “Just you wait until she’s a teenager. If they are easy when they are young, they will be a handful when they are older.” It’s not true yet and I know anything can still happen but all signs point to Ava continuing on this responsible path.

It sounds banal to say how proud I am of her, but the bottom line is that she has always made the whole mothering gig look easy for me. She is her own true self while still being generous to others. She is a fierce feminist with way more courage than I ever had in my teens to speak out about what she believes in.

Helping her reach for her acting dream has been immensely satisfying to me. I feel as if I’m picking up a thread that began to unravel in my early twenties and now Ava is sewing it into something meaningful and worthwhile. Nothing in this life is wasted. It comes back to us, when we least expect it, in a different form. It means so much to watch her find success in this beautiful pursuit of performance art.

As parents, we must continually practice letting go of our beloved children. We do not own them. They are not ours. They have their own lives and dreams and passions. We facilitate, we advise, we stay close for when they need us. But we also practice launching them into their own independence and refusing to be afraid of how it will all turn out.

Mistakes are how we grow, no matter what age and stage we are at. Learning to risk and accepting that failure is tied to success is an important part of the parenting journey. I can’t wait to see where Ava goes next. I love the person she is and is becoming and I’m proud of the relationship we’ve built.

It’s hard to wrap my brain around only having another 4 years where she will be living under our roof for sure. But the goal of parenting is to take a dependent baby and turn them into an independent adult. I feel like we are on our way to seeing this goal be a reality and that is worth celebrating.

In Identity, Personal Growth, Writing

Ask for What You Want

Author Julianne HarveyPosted on
Ask for What You Want

We often spend far too much time afraid to ask for what we want. But what’s the worst that can happen? The person or company you approached tells you no. So what? Then you can move on to someone else and see what they say.

I used to be so afraid of looking stupid and that would stop me from asking for what I wanted. I was less worried about rejection than I was about embarrassment. But now I’m in my mid-forties and I finally feel more secure in who I am, so I’m willing to look a bit foolish from time to time.

Recently I put myself out there to an editor that I really respect with what I knew was an unusual request but I filed it under the “nothing ventured, nothing gained” category. Well, the response was polite but essentially I was told that what I was asking was unprofessional.

Cue the shame spiral. I started to go down, fast and hard, berating myself about burning bridges and looking like a classic moron. But then I grabbed myself by the metaphorical lapels and talked myself through it, in a gentle, soothing voice. “It didn’t hurt to ask. It’s good to think outside of the box and go for it. A ‘no’ here is not a ‘no’ everywhere. Don’t worry so much about it.”

Giving ourselves permission to fail is just as important as building up our own confidence. We have to know that we aren’t going to get everything we want, but the lesson is in summoning the courage to ask the question. It’s good for my soul to step up, face my fear of doing it wrong in some vague manner, and be willing to accept whatever answer I receive.

Living small doesn’t serve any of us. It’s beyond time to move past that terrified reverence of the gatekeepers to our biggest dreams. The decision-makers in any organization are people just like you and me. I’m determined to keep trying new ideas until I find the right place for them, because the process of trying to innovate brings me life and stirs my passion.

Will I make mistakes? Most definitely. It’s so wonderful to be able to extend grace to myself when I hear yet another no. Asking the question takes guts and that’s worth celebrating. Eventually, somewhere in the future, there may come a yes. And if I never get to the yes, I’ll find another new question to ask and maybe that one will be more successful.

The bottom line is: life is short. We all have things we desperately want. Playing it safe doesn’t inch us closer to those dreams. You may as well ask for what you want. I’m tired of waiting. When I have an idea now, I don’t want to overthink it to death. I want to act on it, and see what happens, for one day it’s going to connect with the right person at the right time and then a new opportunity will be born.