laughter Archives - Julianne Harvey

In Nurture, Personal Growth, Relationships

20 Years

Julianne HarveyJuly 24, 2018

We are celebrating 20 years of marriage this summer. It reminds me of my parents divorcing around this milestone anniversary, and I also chuckle when I think about the neighbours we had when Jason and I were newly married. They were splitting up and the woman said wistfully, “We made it almost 20 years. That’s pretty good.”

No awards are given for simply lasting a long time in a marriage. What does the length of time even mean if both people are unhappy in the relationship? My parents did not leave me a very inspiring model to follow. When it came to my own marriage, I was determined to forge a new path toward a joint entity that satisfied both of us.

When I look back on the months preceding our wedding, I remember a cold sense of panic that I might be making a mistake. Jason seemed like a solid choice for a marriage partner, but so few marriages seem genuinely happy. I didn’t want to make a mess out of it and I was consistently worried that the alcoholic patterns from my childhood would carry over into my own marriage.

And of course they did. Every unconscious pattern we experience as children will inform our adult lives unless we confront it and change it. Thankfully, around the twelve-year mark, through intensive personal counselling followed by Al-Anon group counselling, these dysfunctional patterns were faced and we built new coping strategies in their place.

What a difference that painful season made to the quality of our relationship. We always had a low-grade marital satisfaction as our through-line, but this personal growth work I jumped into made everything look different because Jason responded enthusiastically to my changes. He didn’t demand that I stay the same. And since that time, when he has made significant personal changes, I have responded in the same encouraging manner, giving us both the freedom to grow into who we always wanted to be.

I’m so incredibly grateful to be married to this man. Without a doubt, choosing him as my husband has been the single best choice of my lifetime. Nothing about marriage is simple and straightforward. It’s full of peaks and valleys; happy times and sad ones; losses and gains so slow and steady they can’t be measured while they are being experienced. Only after can you look back and see just how much you’ve survived and changed.

The key to our strong relationship has been laughter. And loyalty to one another. Plus a liberal dose of courtesy when we speak to one another or about one another. We certainly don’t always feel gooey and mushy toward each other, but we endeavour to keep the respect and dignity front and centre. We also value the space between us and don’t let others into it, for it belongs to both of us and our unique marriage.

Happy Anniversary, my love. Here’s to the next two decades of growth and commitment.

Look at these kids!

In Nurture, Personal Growth, Relationships

Essential Ingredients for a Thriving Marriage

Julianne HarveyApril 18, 2017

Anyone can be married, but to build a thriving, healthy, considerate give-and-take relationship takes constant effort and is a rare commodity in this world.

I’m immensely grateful for the marriage Jason and I have created over the last nineteen years. He is celebrating his 40th birthday this week and it felt like a good time to reflect on the ingredients that have made our marriage successful and satisfying.

Since my kids were little, I’ve hammered home the personality traits they should prioritize above all else when it comes time for them to decide on a marriage partner. The two essential qualities I’ve urged them to seek are kindness and a sense of humour.

Without a doubt, these two ingredients have been huge factors in the overall quality of our marriage. We both make each other laugh, every single day or pretty damn close, and a good laugh can help you get through the petty grievances of life. When you are truly relaxed with another person, accepted for your true self, it becomes easier to crack them up or to giggle yourself over stupid little things that might not be funny to anyone else.

Like humour, kindness greases the gears of the mundane to make every interaction more pleasant and enjoyable. It’s a worthwhile goal to treat your spouse with as much courtesy as possible, even if you might be irritated by them, for this politeness goes a long way in softening the atmosphere around you.

When Jason and I choose to be kind to each other above all else, intentionally curbing biting sarcasm or rude insults, we literally change the air around us and create a happy living environment daily for us and for our kids (not to mention friends and extended family and even strangers).

The other secret to our marriage is a willingness to grow and change. We offer each other permission to become the truest, most authentic versions of ourselves. When we are peacefully existing without disguises (or at least inching closer to this desire every day), bravely allowing our most vulnerable selves to be seen, we tend to evolve in a similar direction together.

We are still individuals, growing and changing separately, but our shared goals are more easily aligned and we are like unique flowers bending toward the same sun.

Being married to Jason has been the best experience of my life, without question. Saying yes when he asked me to marry him was the single decision that radically improved the course and trajectory of my life. I’m so proud of the quality of our family that we’ve built as a team. We are not simply existing in the same house together, but rather crafting a life with intentionality, purpose, forgiveness, laughter, kindness and loving care.

Happy 40th, my love. Here’s to a future that only burns brighter.

In Nurture, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationships

What True Love Looks Like

Julianne HarveyFebruary 15, 2017

Okay, it’s Valentine’s Day, and I admit that I’m feeling a little gooey and squishy about those I love today. Like many people in middle age, I’ve seen all kinds of love and I think I finally have a handle on what makes love true instead of false.

Real love doesn’t manipulate, force, cajole, beg or bully. It is kind at its heart and forgiving when things go wrong (which is often). True love is rare in this world, because it is freely given and freely received, with no strings attached. Most love doesn’t work like this. It’s transactional in nature, but that’s an exchange, not a gift.

I’ve been married to Jason now for almost nineteen years. I’d happily do it all over again, even with every up and down we’ve faced. We are both completely different people now than when we met, but at our core, the love and generosity we have shown to one another has grown instead of faded.

When you add in two kids, our love life has a different shape and texture to it now, but it doesn’t feel diminished. We’ve added children and cats into our family’s recipe and our day-to-day experience is sweeter as a result. But that doesn’t mean it’s been easy. Nothing worthwhile and lasting is ever simple and straightforward. We fight for what we want most and that makes the reward of what we have built even better.

Here’s my short Valentine’s list of what true love looks like for me:

Kindness

First and foremost, kindness is key. Jason and I both work at treating each other with basic dignity, respect and courtesy. Some days this is hard, but it’s always worth it. One day a few years ago, I realized with a shock that I was often kinder to the barista at Starbucks or a stranger in a store than I was to the man I pledged to spend my life with. So I try to keep this quality front and centre in my home interactions.

Laughter

Life without laughing is not much fun. Happily, Jason and I like to make each other laugh and it’s a successful ingredient in our marriage. It’s not an exaggeration to say that we laugh, quite wildly, at least once a day and usually more. We aim to crack each other up as often as possible and this quality is like oil to grease the wheels of our relationship and keep it moving smoothly forward.

Generosity

For me, this means putting others’ needs ahead of my own from time to time. I don’t always do this, nor do I think it’s necessarily healthy to do this exclusively. As Anne Lamott says, “Now I take my turn and it’s a radical act.” But we live in a selfish world, so every single time I choose those I love over myself it’s a way to demonstrate my love through action, which means so much more than just words.

Commitment

One of the most precious aspects of a long-term marriage is that your commitment is demonstrated on a daily basis. It doesn’t matter how many years you are together if they are mostly drudgery, but if they are peaceful, comfortable and safe, it’s at least partly because you are both committed to each other. This means I choose Jason over every other man on earth and he chooses me over every other woman. Not once, but every single day we are alive.

Forgiveness

We’d never make it if we didn’t forgive each other. Jason and I have both committed to say, “I’m sorry” on a regular basis when we’ve behaved badly. We model this for our kids and it’s often challenging and wounding to our pride, but the vulnerability we demonstrate thaws the air between us and keeps our relationship warm and stable. We promised in our vows “to forgive and be forgiven” as both are equally difficult and we get a lot of practice in this area.

Space

Space to grow and be who we really are, without conforming to any mold or expected form, is one of the biggest gifts we give to each other. True love is always free. It doesn’t demand or hold grudges or resentments. It recognizes that room and air and light is required for growth and that healthy people continue to change and evolve as long as they are alive. Jason and I give this space willingly to each other and it’s one of my absolute favourite things about us as a couple.