We are celebrating 20 years of marriage this summer. It reminds me of my parents divorcing around this milestone anniversary, and I also chuckle when I think about the neighbours we had when Jason and I were newly married. They were splitting up and the woman said wistfully, “We made it almost 20 years. That’s pretty good.”
No awards are given for simply lasting a long time in a marriage. What does the length of time even mean if both people are unhappy in the relationship? My parents did not leave me a very inspiring model to follow. When it came to my own marriage, I was determined to forge a new path toward a joint entity that satisfied both of us.
When I look back on the months preceding our wedding, I remember a cold sense of panic that I might be making a mistake. Jason seemed like a solid choice for a marriage partner, but so few marriages seem genuinely happy. I didn’t want to make a mess out of it and I was consistently worried that the alcoholic patterns from my childhood would carry over into my own marriage.
And of course they did. Every unconscious pattern we experience as children will inform our adult lives unless we confront it and change it. Thankfully, around the twelve-year mark, through intensive personal counselling followed by Al-Anon group counselling, these dysfunctional patterns were faced and we built new coping strategies in their place.
What a difference that painful season made to the quality of our relationship. We always had a low-grade marital satisfaction as our through-line, but this personal growth work I jumped into made everything look different because Jason responded enthusiastically to my changes. He didn’t demand that I stay the same. And since that time, when he has made significant personal changes, I have responded in the same encouraging manner, giving us both the freedom to grow into who we always wanted to be.
I’m so incredibly grateful to be married to this man. Without a doubt, choosing him as my husband has been the single best choice of my lifetime. Nothing about marriage is simple and straightforward. It’s full of peaks and valleys; happy times and sad ones; losses and gains so slow and steady they can’t be measured while they are being experienced. Only after can you look back and see just how much you’ve survived and changed.
The key to our strong relationship has been laughter. And loyalty to one another. Plus a liberal dose of courtesy when we speak to one another or about one another. We certainly don’t always feel gooey and mushy toward each other, but we endeavour to keep the respect and dignity front and centre. We also value the space between us and don’t let others into it, for it belongs to both of us and our unique marriage.
Happy Anniversary, my love. Here’s to the next two decades of growth and commitment.
Look at these kids!
