alicia keys Archives - Julianne Harvey

Okay, ladies, I’ve got a challenge for you. It involves living as bravely as we can by daring to be our true, authentic selves. This includes saying what we mean, feeling all of our emotions, no matter how wild, showing up exactly as we are without feeling that we need to cover up with makeup, style our hair or dress up a certain way.

Did I have you right up until that last sentence?

Lately I’m longing to just be myself by opting out of the heavy societal pressure to be pretty. Actually, it’s more than opting out. I want to actively oppose the idea that I’m supposed to be made up, fashionable, presentable in some prescribed manner. This is a tax that men and boys do not have to pay to exist in the world. It’s time for women to get to do the same without being labelled as “letting themselves go.”

If I want to feel strong and confident and in control of who I am and what I look like, I get to make this decision myself. I don’t need anyone else’s permission and neither do you. But the tide of cultural expectations is a formidable entity to challenge, so it helps when we don’t feel too isolated or odd or strange. There’s safety in a few numbers, hence my challenge to join me in this revolutionary act.

I’ve been going out into the world without makeup now for about a year. Sometimes I wear it for special occasions or to boost my self-esteem when I know every other woman in the room will be beautifully made up, but more often than not, I have gone out into society without the armour of powder, liquid makeup, concealer, blush, mascara, eyeliner or lipstick (even typing out this partial list feels exhausting to me).

Now, at the beginning of 2017, I want to take this experiment up a notch. I still don’t want to cover up my face in private or in public, but now I want to feel just as beautiful and desirable with a natural face as I would with one full of makeup. This may take me a bit of time. It’s far too easy to feel less-than.

And I totally understand that some women like putting on makeup and doing their hair. I’m not saying this is wrong. I just long to move away from the pressure I sense to look a certain way in order to feel beautiful, acceptable, worthy. I want those things to come from inside of me and not be hinged on any outside factor.

So I’m going forward from here, taking huge inspiration from Alicia Keys and Leith McHugh (Brave Beauty) and others. A group of us is out there already but we can always use more. Courage is contagious. It grows and spreads and helps us all to be better versions of our truest selves.

I’d love to hear from my readers and keep this conversation going. Anyone go out regularly without makeup and feel fantastic and brave? Drop me a line and let me know that we are in this together.

I named my tummy Doris to personalize her. It’s harder to dislike someone with a name and a personality. Now, when I wake up in the morning, I say, “Hello, Doris” and it helps me to treat her gently and with more respect.

I’m utterly fed up and discouraged by our culture’s obsession with thin, perfect bodies for women. Men are not under the same pressure to look sleek, elegant, stylish and fit. Sure, many men would prefer six-pack abs, but I’ve never heard a man referred to as “plus-sized”, yet women have to endure this label all the damn time.

No societal change happens quickly. It’s a twenty year process, at minimum, but we can choose not to play our role in it anymore. No outside pressure can make us feel bad about ourselves. We have to opt in for that to work. As Amy Schumer famously said, “I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story – I will.”

I’m exhausted worrying about how Doris will look in a swimsuit or a new pair of jeans. There are much bigger things to be concerned about in this life. I’m longing to opt out of tying my weight and appearance to my sense of self-worth. But there’s no point in yearning for this. Now is the time to decide to let this nonsense go and carry on by saying if I’m beautiful and if I’m strong.

Doris is still sore from my appendix surgery this summer. The three laparoscopy sites are mildly tender to the touch, five months later, and I feel like the work I did before surgery with weights and sit-ups has been undone. I want now to simply accept my body as it is. To stop wishing it was like someone else’s. To thank it for carrying me around in this world and to look after it and love it with kindness instead of shame.

As women, we have impossible beauty standards all around. I rebel against the idea that I’m supposed to be made up and pretty when I’m out and about. I’ve been leaving my face free of makeup and going into stores in a ponytail and yoga pants and trying to make it a radical act. But this only works if I truly believe I’m allowed to do this. Some days I feel strong and sure on this, and other days I look around at the women who are made up and look stunning and then I feel insecure and silly.

Perhaps this type of growth is a slow process. I loved it when Alicia Keys talked about not wanting to cover up anymore. Something in me rose up and shouted, “Yes! Me too!” It’s brave to show up as we really are instead of hiding. Occasionally it feels too radical, too unsafe, so I retreat behind my desire to conform and work harder at being pretty and acceptable.

Is it okay to want to be pretty just for ourselves? And is it okay not to want to be pretty? To just go into the world as a man would do, without applying makeup and blow-drying hair and dressing up to go buy fruit and milk?

For now, I’m working on talking myself off the ledge with a series of affirmations. I greet Doris each day and tell her I love her, just as she is, round and soft and ample. I say, “You are okay. You are worthy of care and affection. You don’t have to look like a starving model to be beautiful.”

I wish I didn’t have to try so hard to offer myself permission to look the way I look. I’d rather not aspire to a concept of beauty that is unattainable to most. I enjoy food too much and the gym too little to make that level of sacrifice so I’ll have a flat stomach and shapely limbs. At the age of 44, it’s not likely to happen, especially since I’ve had this same basic body type since I was a teenager.

Now the key is to accept myself and to opt out of the madness that is the beauty and fashion industry. I don’t have to believe I’m less-than. It’s counter-culture enough to love myself (and Doris) with a radical sense of care and kindness, no matter what size I am. Who’s with me?

Showing all posts tagged alicia keys

Opting Out of Being Pretty

My Tummy’s Name is Doris