Preparing for Change

Preparing for Change

Change is a process. We can’t see it clearly peering into the future, but when we look back it’s easier to plot the high and low points on our individual graph.

I’ve come to recognize that the groundwork for change gets laid days, weeks, months and years ahead of the actual shift that we can point to and identify. Extreme patience is required in the preparation stage. It’s the seeds, deep underground, beginning to grow but nowhere near ready to burst through the soil and make themselves visible.

So much of this life is preparing. We must wait, whether we like it or not, until the time is right for the longed-for change to take place. As humans, we are wired to become bored and discontent when our existence becomes too predictable and safe. We crave adventure, change, new scenery and experiences. It’s in our DNA.

preparing forBut between the desire and the reality there is a gap. Sometimes it’s short and other times it’s dishearteningly long. Most of us would not make big changes unless we first felt motivated by boredom or loss or an inner compulsion to inject fresh vitality back into our lives. It’s easy for inertia to set in, to lull us into complacency, but when the spark ignites for something new, we begin to stir up our excitement and then we usually have to wait.

I’m trying to change the way I view this preparatory period. I know that work is happening, deep in my soul, just as surely as flowers bloom out of buried seeds and not by accident. We’ve been painting our house and boy, oh boy, painting is mostly prep work. And the preparation doesn’t look like much, but without it you’d never get to those beautifully altered, crisp and clean walls.

Change is a long, messy, unpredictable process. You get great news and you’ll be flying high, then a rejection or a disappointment hits and you feel abject despair, all of that inspirational hope erased like a whiteboard. Life is a series of hurdles. Some you clear with room to spare and you are filled to the brim with success and optimism. Others you smack into and fall hard, occasionally breaking a bone or bruising your confidence, and you have no choice but to muster the courage to stand up and try for the next one.

Preparation is critical to implement change at some point in the future. We wait, we dream, we continue to work even when the odds are stacked against us. It’s better to believe that those seeds are, in fact, growing, even if we can’t see them. We show up, day after day, learning what we can and refusing to give up on what we long for most. And one day, perhaps when we least expect it, all of that prep work will turn into actual change, just in time to start the process over again with something else.

We Have Choices!

We Have Choices!

Isn’t it delightful to remember that we have choices? I know I’m stuck in old, nasty habits when I feel victimized, stuck, helpless. I am none of those things and neither are you. The key is to keep this awareness front and centre.

We are women in 2016. We can do anything and be anything we set our mind to. We are done playing small and being nice as our main mode of existence. Now is the time to step up and make a difference in this world, for our own self esteem and to help someone else who can use what we have to give.

Choices are like oxygen. They make everything easier, as long as we have the courage to pursue them with our whole heart. Sure, risks will be required and there are no guarantees of success, but prioritizing safety above all else becomes just as dangerous over a long period of time. Life is meant to be lived, dammit, and it’s up to us to go out there and make our dreams come true.

we have choicesA little over one hundred years ago, women couldn’t vote. We’ve come a long way, baby, and in some ways we are only just getting started. I worried about pleasing my peers in junior high, but thirty years later my daughter Ava doesn’t give a shit about that which looks like progress to me.

We can all learn from each other. I have a mentor, Toby, who shows me what it looks like to kick ass and take names. From her I learn clarity, focus and drive.

One of my friends, Pam, is a beautiful mix of gentleness and strength. When I watch her, I see conflict resolution marinated in grace and humour.

Then there is my walking buddy, Kari, who teaches me how to be warm, fun and generous. Without these women and many others, it would take much longer for me to develop new and healthier habits. They light the path in the darkest times and I’m there to do the same for them.

Let’s never forget the myriad of choices we have. If we hate our job, we can find another one. If we are bored where we live, we can seek out a new town or city. If we feel stuck and unhappy, we can figure out why and change our part in the dynamic for a different result. The only limits that exist are the ones we place on ourselves.

This world is a huge, exciting place and we are all alive at this one point in time. Let’s support each other and make it count by using our voice, bravely facing our areas of conflict and making bold choices that will alter the trajectory of our futures.

Roar Gently

Roar Gently

Do you ever feel like you’ve been silenced? In one way and another, incidents have been piling up for me and in a flash of insight, I realized that I’ve been staying quiet when perhaps I should’ve been speaking up.

To right this, I put Katy Perry’s Roar on repeat and cranked the volume up while I was driving. Just letting the words wash over me, “You hear my voice, you hear that sound, like thunder gonna shake your ground” tightened my resolve to let the world (or at the very least, a few select people) hear me roar.

As women, this can be a tough sell in our culture. We often feel the pressure to be nice, to get along, to not rock the boat, to avoid being labelled as difficult or bitchy. Facing conflict head-on can cause many of us to panic and retreat.

roar gentlyI struggle to find a balance between speaking up when something affects me or my kids and choosing to stay quiet when it’s none of my business (even if I may have strong feelings on the subject). I long to be as kind as possible, like most women do, but to also demonstrate courage by going boldly into tense situations without backing down. This is not an easy line to walk.

After feeling pumped up by Katy Perry’s beautiful and strong anthem, I wanted to simply say whatever came to mind to several people. But this didn’t seem right either, as we need to practice discretion so we aren’t abusive or cruel in our self-expression.

I’m trying now to think in terms of Roaring Gently. I have every right to use my voice, as every person does, but in order to stay true to my values and integrity, I also desire to choose gentleness in my delivery. Both of these words together give me a better framework for this important process.

Practicing new skills is hard. We should expect setbacks. We’ll bite our tongue and wish later we had spoken up. Or the opposite will happen: we’ll be stirred up and pissed off, so we’ll push our filters aside and let the person have every one of our nasty, unvarnished thoughts. This might require some apologies in order to keep our relationships healthy, but we can offer ourselves grace and love as we work through these normal bumps in the path.

Feeling voiceless gives us a sense that we are not in control of our lives. We can slide into victimhood, lashing out in a passive aggressive manner instead of bravely asking for what we need. This is not a healthy long-term strategy. But neither is saying hurtful things in the heat of the moment that can never be unsaid. Roaring is critical to our health, but a gentle roar is preferable to an angry one.

Let’s roar gently together – women who aren’t afraid to step up and be heard, but who value kindness as much as we do honesty.

The First 20 Years are the Hardest

The First 20 Years are the Hardest

Being in a long-term committed marriage is hard. If you are both open to change and growth (which is a prerequisite if you want to have a healthy, mutually-satisfying relationship), you will have periods of calm interspersed with turbulent weeks and months of upheaval and uncertainty.

Jason and I are in one of those uneasy stretches of our path right now and we have been for a couple of months now. Over the course of our almost 18 years of marriage, we’ve made our way through many of these rocky patches so I know if we persevere, we are likely to make it through to a place of strength and encouragement. That helps in a vague, otherworldly sense, but day to day it’s not much damn good.

I really hate the rawness of these relationship struggles. Where my brokenness meets his brokenness, it all feels broken. And yet day to day we make it through. We laugh over silly little things, we cook meals, we make plans, we parent as a team.

marriageTrying to be real with each other has its rewards when the sky is blue and the sun is shining. When the storm clouds roll in, that same level of honesty and authenticity can be terrifying. It leaves you feeling alone, naked, vulnerable and small. It’s agonizing, but this is always where the growing happens. I want the growth. I just don’t like the pain that precedes it.

I’m glad we fell in love and chose each other all those years ago. Thank God the tough times are mixed in with the happy ones or no marriage would succeed. I think it’s important to get honest about the real struggles and hardships that every couple goes through, especially now when we live in such a shiny Instagram world. The pretty pictures don’t tell the whole story. There is more going on than we can see in photos and glib status updates on social media.

The point of commitment it to be committed. To walk as partners through the darkest sections of your lives. To confront the fear head-on, with as much bravery as you can muster. To own your own words and actions and allow your partner to own theirs. To do your best to collaborate with kindness, riding out the scariest times and trying to remember why you love each other and decided to hitch your wagons together all those years ago.

The easy days don’t teach us much. They are there to enjoy as memories to keep us warm and safe, but hardship is where the greatest lessons reside. One day we’ll look back on this season and it will make more sense to us. For now, we will keep moving forward, together as a team, doing our very best to ask for what we need and learn what we can when the dice doesn’t roll our way.

As a favourite pastor told us many years ago when we were newlyweds, “The first 20 years of marriage are the hardest.” Now that we are close to that milestone, I think I finally know what he meant. But the only way out is always through – so we continue to walk together, whistling in the dark to bolster our courage, reaching out for the other person’s hand in the blackest sections to remind yourself that you are not alone.

The Tension of Opposing Forces

The Tension of Opposing Forces

Where is the line between strength and kindness? Or authenticity and respect for the dignity of others who behave radically differently than you? What about using your voice versus choosing to stay silent?

The tension that exists between each of these dynamics can be a real bitch. Relationships can become thorny in a hurry when we are deciding between these options, plus you add in a charged emotion like outrage or hurt and suddenly nothing is clear cut.

Recently I stumbled on a picture that said, “Do no harm but take no shit.” This helped to soothe and calm my restless spirit. It doesn’t help with clarity for each individual situation I find myself in, but it’s short and punchy and in the midst of stress it offers a basic framework for what is acceptable or unacceptable for me.

870d0415bcd8fc502252a3f1d1f9d111-2Most of us long to be kind but we also want to speak up and be heard. Both of these things are noble, decent and worthy. Do they have to be at odds? I’m trying to reconcile them in my life and my relationships, but if I’m being honest (and I do strive to tell my truth), it’s a huge struggle.

Perhaps it all comes back to awareness. The key is to be conscious of any disturbance we feel in our own spirit – when something is off, it’s time to pay attention. I hate that so often I go along with what another person desires because I want to be nice or not be labeled as difficult.

It can’t be bad to try to be kind, but the tension exists where what I think is socially acceptable intersects with what I want or don’t want. Is every situation unique and a decision must be made in the moment for each one, or is there some magic formula that helps me feel true to myself while balancing out what other people might need or want?

I’d prefer a magic formula, but I’m starting to see that this is wishful thinking. This above all: to thine own self be true, as Shakespeare told us so eloquently in Hamlet, and it feels like sage advice. When it seems false to me, I must be on the wrong track.

Sometimes niceness to others masquerades as my own lack of courage. This is an area for me to work on. But it’s also healthy and right not to give in to every fleeting impulse that arises, for words spoken from frustration and temporary irritation can do a lot of lasting harm to others.

It’s important to come to terms with the tension between two opposing forces. Kindness and strength; authenticity and respect for others; speaking up or remaining silent. No “one size fits all” works here. As we deepen our understanding of the person we are in the process of becoming, new relationship choices open up to us.

We grow a little every time we practice these skills. We make mistakes and we learn from them, offering grace and forgiveness to ourselves and to those we love (and those we can’t stand). Nothing about this is easy, but we are not given any guarantees in soul work. Every single day we get a new chance to practice doing no harm but taking no shit.